ugh!

struggling...

I've gained even more weight. Was dismayed to see the scale creep (ok really freaking JUMP) up to 220...I'd been making steady progress down and whoosh.

My body betrays me in this one area.

My mind betrays me as well -- grazing, unthinkingly popping food into my mouth, not being continually present with my food choices.

It gets me down.

(frowny face)

I wonder if it's my wonky schedule.
Working nights is not good for our bodies
for our souls

my off time is spent carting kids around, trying to be the mom I need to be for them, being supportive, making sure they feel loved, making sure their bodies and souls are being fed -- in appropriate and loving holistic ways. Trying to be a loving wife (sex? what's that, who has time and when we do, our schedules are different)

my off time is spent trying to keep the house clean (total fail there, but not feeling horribly bad about that - there are more important things in life - am I right?  no one's died of some incurable bacterial infection -- yet). But I do like the order that comes with a clean organized house.

my off time is spent furthering my education so I can ultimately reach my goal of teaching nursing.  I know the night shift thing is temporary and a means to an end to reach my goal of teaching as is taking this time to make school work within my hectic schedule.

Even though I am doing this all for a particular goal, it still is so hard at times.

I'm completely overwhelmed.

so, ugh.

My idea of marketing -- is begging

Yeah, I know I have been HORRIBLE at blogging here. Work is crazy, life is crazy (how crazy is life? read about it here). Meanwhile I have been blogging for work here. I have to admit it's nice to blog for work, I feel like it's part of patient education which is one of the most favortist part of my position. I love talking to our patients about what to expect, how to take care of themselves and giving them encouragement.  The center's blog is an extension of that.  Our latest entry was about Mindful Eating. Have any of you thought of Mindful Eating? Our counselor talked about it at our support group and it makes so much sense. I think as over weight/obese people we sometimes feel like we aren't allowed to enjoy our food -- it's a guilty pleasure -- a lot of us (me included) call pictures of decadent desserts "food porn" porn....Mindful Eating gives us permission to enjoy our food, be in the presence of it and by doing so we end up eating less because we've used all our senses. So really more art than porn. Even before this subject came up I would notice our registered dietician would eat her lunch on a plate (a real one, not a paper one) in the kitchen.  I eat my lunch out of a baggie at my desk which is hardly a way to connect with food, enjoy it with my senses and get any kind of satisfaction. It can also be messy

Hmmmmm....

She's also got a great body and is super healthy.

Me, not so much.

Now, I know that's not the ONLY reason she looks the way she does, there's hard work and genetics involved -- but it's one of her tools.

I like how Mindful Eating helps establish a relationship with food, rather than trying to brush food under the rug and make it a dirty little secret.  We all need food, we should be allowed to enjoy it. If you want to read more about how it works...click here I also included other sites.

So, yeah, blogging for work = fun. Not blogging at home = big frowny-face.

We had a marketing meeting yesterday and I heard a lot of "Tracey needs to...." (ok, not a lot, maybe once or twice -- it's not really about me -- sigh, as much as I think it should be) -- so I said, "Tracey's a nurse, Tracey doesn't know much about marketing).  Looks like Tracey needs to get it together and figure out marketing really quickly.  I spent the wee hours of this morning trolling Facebook pages to "like" and now I'm going to try my version of marketing which is begging....please please like our center's FaceBook page. I do most of the updates and I post informative, inspirational and sometimes funny information so it won't be too painful to like us.

Okay -- August -- I will be better about blogging.

I promise...well sort of...

Wednesday Weigh In -- um not

Ugh, I've been off the reservation BAD about my eating and I'm afraid to get on the scale.

Today is another day!

And I woke up with the best of intentions of getting my flabby body on the elliptical and just.couldn't.do.it.

I'm in a funk and am having a bit of a hard time getting out of it.  Sometimes it just takes so much energy to work full time, be a mom of kids in activities, a wife, running the household, being a friend. Frankly, I've been sucking at all of these things.  Also sucking at taking care of myself.

My sister has fallen off the wagon and is drinking ... drinking a lot. This might have something to do about it?

A new job? I have no idea what I'm doing -- I hate that. Being smart is my thing.  Because it isn't being pretty or sexy (I'm not ugly, I'm just not, whoa, check her out awesome -- more bring home to your mother pretty and appropriate -- the kind of pretty where women and gay men find me pretty - Lesbians and straight men, not so much).

bleh
ugh
meh

Soooo, today I'm going to work hard in getting out of my funk. It's going to be a really long day at work -- which will give me an opportunity to NOT eat in front of the TV after work until bed time.

I did get my hair done yesterday -- I went short -- I love it. Here's a picture. Keep in mind, I really suck at those mirror shots -- not really a skill I'm feeling a need to perfect though.

Now that I have cheek bones and a jaw line again I feel good about going short.

Here's to restarting, getting back on that horse, starting over and getting it done!

Wednesday Weigh In

Starting Weight: 320
Last Recorded Weight 227
Today's Weight 226
lost 1 pound this past week
down 94 pounds total

Holy cow (this saying takes on new meaning after my husband's trip to India), when you write 94 pounds lost or say it out loud, it's crazy talk...I'm so close to losing 100 (I'm not even going to think about how much I still need to lose though and concentrate on this really big win...94...wow...yay me).

And even more exciting news...I GOT THE JOB...I'll be the new bariatric clinical coordinator for a local hospital.  Whoo hoo. I think I'll do a good job having had this experience. I'm excited to help people through this journey.  But I'm not totally altruistic. Surrounding myself with people who are in this journey and with those who help people in this journey will help me keep on track as well. It's why reading all your blogs help me so much as does sharing my experiences with you.

It was hard telling my bosses and the other staff I was going and I'll be super busy getting my clinic in order for another nurse to take over.  I did give myself a week between jobs to decompress. 

The behavior modification class last night was great..will share my insights later. Loved all of your comments from last week and they were all so helpful!

Have a great Wednesday every one!

Wednesday Weigh In & Behavioral Modification Class

Starting Weight: 320
Last Recorded Weight 228
Today's Weight 227

Well it's going down.  Whoo sort of hoo. 

Here's the deal, I'm not as strict with myself and I'm not following the plan to the letter.  Actually hardly at all. I'm falling into that habit of anesthetizing myself with food in the couple of hours after work and making dinner.  I tell myself I just need a little time to unwind, but what I really want to do is just go numb.

My sister is an alcoholic and she is once again on a drinking binge....like found miles from where she was supposed to be walking the street in a delirium with only her coat on (and nothing else). Thank goodness it was a warm day.  Her blood alcohol was .3 -- that could kill you.  I yelled at her and she's not speaking to me now.  I've been bailing her out and trying to help her for 20 years now and I'm kind of done.  I am okay with that decision, but am also feeling horribly guilty, like I'm a bad sister.  She's obviously is in so much pain and I feel really selfish choosing my own sanity and trying to preserve the lifestyle I've put into place for my immediate family.  Is giving up showing my children strength, knowing when to let go? Or am I showing them that you give up on family....I know I'll hear opinions on both....I think this is something anyone in this situation may struggle with....I'm just putting it out there to share my struggle not to really get answers, because frankly are there any real answers out there?  It's a moot point what I am willing to do anyhow since she stopped talking to me.

I still haven't heard back from either interview I had last week.

Picture a cat with its hair raised clawing the ceiling...that's me right now about this job thing...

I.Just.Want.To.Know.NOW

My husband says I have a patience problem.

Sooooo, this has spurred me into taking a behavioral modification class offered by a therapist who works closely with the surgeon who did my surgery.

I really liked her.  If I could get my family to go to therapy, I'd suggest her (because it's obvious I don't need therapy and they all do - insert sarcastic tone here)

The other members of the group also seem to be lovely ladies.

A couple of things I took from last night's session were:
1. Making a mistake is not the end of the world.  No matter where you are, you can YOU CAN pick yourself back up and get back on track (for me that might be recommitting to that like every 5 minutes -- just sayin' it's not been great for me lately)
2. It doesn't always matter why you do it...even if you know why you're doing what your doing...you still might do it. It's important to put things into place to replace eating and this takes time because frankly eating works as a soothing mechanism.  Not only does it taste good, your sympathetic nervous system calms down while it's digesting.  Another interesting thing to note...when people eat refined, high carb, high fat, high salt foods the brain lights up in the same areas it does when a heroin addict does heroin.

For a brief second, when I heard that, I thought...'hmm, where can I score heroin, because at least those guys are skinny" Nooo, not really, anything I have to shoot up or snort is just off limits to me, because even though I'm a nurse -- gross!

Although this seems really discouraging, the point was to find other things to occupy your thoughts, your hands, your mouth.

Our homework is to 1. figure out times, triggers, identify feelings when you start to eat off-plan and 2. Come up with a plan to do something in place of eating mindlessly.

Who wants to help me with my homework?  Have any of you found something that works for you? When you're feeling stressed and want to eat do you have something that you do that helps you to get through that moment? I'd love to hear what you have to say!

and my cholesterol is up? WHAAT?

So it's really been over six months, but this is when I could get into the MD office for my check up....and guess what.... my cholesterol is high.

What?

Yup, I have never, ever had a cholesterol issue and given my weight and having PCOS this was a surprising but great thing (genetics actually working for me here).

Then I have this surgery, and yay I'm off my blood pressure meds...and I've lost weight - 90 pounds, double yay...but...and you are about to read this correctly...my cholesterol went up...up to the point that it's out of range...LDLs went from 73 to 112. It's not critical. It's not even an earth shattering thing.  The Med Assistant at my primary just called and gave me that arbitrary, exercise more and lose weight and it should come down.....and when I said, 'but doesn't it seem weird that I've just lost 90 pounds and it went UP" I got a "hmmm - well at this point just exercise more" -- thankfully we don't have video phones otherwise she'd have been privy to my eye rolling.

Have you ever heard such a thing --- I mean about the cholesterol, not the non-helpful conversation with the MA at the MD office...pretty sure you all have had that experience (sadly).

Neither did the nurse at the Bariatric Center.

I mean, she has never come across this. Never Ever.

At this point, it's a 'let's just see what happens at the year appointment blood work'

Which is fine. Who knows it could have just been a blip.

That's the thing about medicine. It's sometimes more of an art than it is a science.  Like art you need to have some rudimentary knowledge, but you also need to use a lot creativity and intuition.  The more I'm in the field, the less I know (that's a lot like parenting too) and the more I realize no one really knows KNOWS..you know?

But damn it, I want to know....

it's irritating.

So for now I wait....unless any of you have heard of this? Have you?....and if the person died, I don't want to hear about it.

The work front....so I got this recruiter call OUT.OF.THE.BLUE from my Linkedin profile.  And this is funny and a little depressing.  She asks me what my experience is (experience that is listed on said Linkedin profile) and then after I tell her, she says, "oh, we can't use you, you need your more recent experience to be in med-surge ---uh, you called ME, I did not solicit this position.  I don't even want to be a travel nurse in Texas...because I LIVE in Colorado. WTH.  And to add insult to injury, she also emailed me and then called again.  Because I love to hear I'm obsolete over and over for a job I don't want and didn't apply for.

Again, happy I don't have a video phone.  I'm very good at eye rolling during meaningless and stupid phone conversations.

I do actually have good news on the work front. I have two interviews set up for Thursday. One is a clinical coordinator position at....drum roll, and this is my FIRST choice....a Bariatric Center, minutes from my house (although a competitor of my own surgeon....a respected competitor). And the other interview is a clinical coordinator for a dialysis unit (which is my back ground before school nursing). Pros and Cons for both.

Think good thoughts for me on Thursday!

Have a great Tuesday everyone!

Wednesday Weigh In

Starting Weight: 320
Last Recorded Weight 232
Today's Weight 230
-2/+2 (but -90 total)

So I am down two from my unfortunate increase..It was scary because there was no movement until yesterday, which was so frustrating because I was really trying.  So whew!

And the job front...well I had an interview/chat with the nurse recruiter for a dialysis company here (a different one from the one where I used to work) I'm thinking I may be destined for dialysis.  It's good, I like it.  The job I'm looking at is just below the clinic manager, and sort of the job you take because you're interested in some day becoming a manager. I always thought my MSN would steer me towards teaching, but maybe I'm headed towards management.  I know that being a generally happy person who likes everything may seem like a good thing...but it's not...it makes it really hard to make decisions. Anyhow the chat went well...we were on the phone for an hour, she's awesome and she did a great job in selling the company. She said that the culture of this company is 'touchy-feely' and they give lots of hugs....I guess she got some negative feedback about that.  I told her not to worry, my mother's side is Cuban...it'll be like a family reunion -- I'll just have to stuff down the WASP side of me (trust me, half WASP, half Cuban -- it's an, um interesting combination -- my husband calls me a WASPina, he's a funny guy).

I digress.

The point is, I'm kind of excited!

The only thing that gives me pause is turning in my notice....I really love the people with whom I work. I love the kids. My current job is fun.  I just don't get paid enough and sometimes I get the impression teachers think of me as someone who ONLY doles out Band-Aids (FYI -- there's a LOT more to my job). Anyhow, I hate disappointing people (yeah, like that isn't an issue with MOST people who have weight issues -- am I right?).  But making double what I'm making now (even a bit more), room for advancement, saving lives (as opposed to enhancing lives), and more respect -- just sayin'.

It's been hard having Jason out of the country. Kudos to all you single moms out there, there is NO way I could keep up this pace by myself for the next 7 years without Jason. I am counting the days until he returns...he, is having a great time and is loving his experiences so far.  Although, the hotel he just checked into doesn't have toilet paper...just a "butt hose" as he texted me.  The hotel is 20$ a night, and one of the best in town. 

Hmmm, I'm not as jealous as I was yesterday.

Have a great Wednesday!

Wednesday Weigh In

Starting Weight: 320
Last Recorded Weight 228
Today's Weight 232
+4

It's not just math.....
So while I was going through my graze-carb-don't-think-about-my-food stage I still lost some weight, it wasn't great weight loss, but it was going down.  I had to admit that even though this type of eating didn't make me feel good and energetic since the scale was going down I really thought I had a 'handle' on it.  Like maybe, maybe I could get away with it.

Stop rolling your eyes....I know! I was totally deluding myself!

Last Wednesday I weighed in at 228...then like the very next day it went up and by Saturday I was at 233....5 pounds in three days...now did I have an excess of 17,500 calories in 3 days (3500 x5) ? Highly doubtful. And I'm not deluding myself here because even though I was grazing...I still couldn't put a lot away.  But there it is a weight gain of five pounds.

So now I'm on track.  Since I started this, I've lost 1 pound of the 5 I gained.

So not fair that I can gain weight so quickly but not lose that quickly.

Are any of you watching the Biggest Loser.  You see it on there. I forgot his name. One of the bigger guys on the blue team worked out like a fiend, he ate what he was supposed to and nothing, zero, zilch weight lost second week.  Jillian, who I can't decide to hug or slap, called it second week phenomenon. I call it metabolically efficient.  Whatever it is, it's not basic math.

Stubborn freakin' weight...it's worse than a pre-teen boy wanting to hang out with is friends after dark in the park (no, son, that isn't going to happen!).

I'm not discouraged.  I'm pissed.

So yesterday I stayed on my plan.  I did eat dinner, I just couldn't stomach another shake.  Today is soft proteins.  Thank goodness.

Here's what it looked like:

Tuesday, January 8, 2013 TARGET  2500 Calories Burned this day 2181 87% TARGET  1500 Calories Consumed this day 867 58% TARGET DEFICIT 1000 Calorie Balance  this day 1314 DEFICIT Calorie Deficit Calorie Surplus

My total protein was 51% of my day, 113g.

Here's what dinner looked like:

 These are teriyaki pineapple chicken meatballs you get at Costco (I'm all about convenience) For my family I served them on top of some stir fry veggies and some edamame (well except for my son who is allergic to soy, he just got the veggies and the meatballs and a pear -- a little soy okay, too much, not okay)

 Jason, rearranged my plate for me...He thought it was more appealing, I thought it was a little creepy but then creepy makes me laugh.

 Here's the information about the meatballs.  That combined with the edamame as my veggie choice gave me a nice protein punch.

Dinner EDIT Pro Carb Fat Cal

1.0 Serving AIDELL's Chicken Meatballs Teriyaki & Pineapple 9.0 g 5.0 g 8.0 g 130.0 Cal 0.5 Cup Edamame, Frozen, Prepared 8.4 g 7.7 g 4.0 g 94.6 Cal Total 17.4 g 12.7 g 12.0 g 224.6 Cal

I have a great plan for today!

Happy Wednesday blogland -- only three more days until the weekend...whoo hoo.

Resetting Myself

So this past week has been horrible. I'm not sure if it's because I didn't want to go back to work after two weeks off. That post Christmas exhaustion. Knowing my husband was leaving for two weeks....to India. Trying to organize my filing system/house/life.  Taking classes to up my marketability as a nurse.

Whatever it is, I have lots of excuses to revert to my old eating habits...grazing all day on foods that comfortably slide down and offer no nutritional value...each bite decreasing my self-worth and undoing all the good I've been doing.

How quickly, and how easily it is to fall back to those habits.

Yesterday, I decided to get out of it.....quickly, before it becomes who I am again rather than just a blip in becoming who I want to be....I'm not just talking about size....I'm talking about the person I am around food...the person who uses food to cover up feelings instead of the person who deals with the feelings and uses food for nutrition.  Am I going to feed my emotions or feed my body?

I want to be the person that feeds my body.

My friend told me about this website. It's the 5 day pouch test.  You do liquid protein for 2 days, soft protein for a day and back to the protein every three-four hours after that.

Yesterday I did pretty well....I did have an artichoke at dinner.  I'm not going to feel bad about that, because it's an artichoke and not the pasta I fed my family.

Here's what my day looked like yesterday:

Monday, January 7, 2013 TARGET  2500 Calories Burned this day 2301 92% TARGET  1500 Calories Consumed this day 928 62% TARGET DEFICIT 1000 Calorie Balance  this day 1373 DEFICIT Calorie Deficit Calorie Surplus

and 130g of protein (wow) -- I need to make sure I up my water!

I've also started organizing my life -- blogging about it here

Things to remember:
I am thankful for the job that I do have
My husband will only be gone for two weeks, this is not long compared to what a soldier's wife has to go through. His experience will enrich his life.
I enjoy learning new things and the classes I'm signed up for will be interesting and should not be stressful.
I do not have to be perfect overnight (or ever) and my organizing my life project does not have to be done in one day!

sounds so much better when I put it that way!

Have a great Tuesday Blogland!

Merry Christmas and stuff

 I know, I know, it's been awhile! Life has been crazy, luckily I have a couple weeks off and in those two weeks I plan on organizing my life, seeing friends I haven't seen in awhile, get the kids to the museum, clean my house, catch up on reading all your blogs AND get back in the habit of blogging.

Here's what's been happening:

Weight I'm finally down past 80 pounds YAY and I've lost a total of 40 inches...which so doesn't seem right, but I did the math, like twice (I updated my progress tab for actual numbers).

NSV -- I was in a store looking for something to wear to Jason's office Christmas party and they didn't have a size 22/24 (which IS smaller than my original size) in the blouse I wanted.  I asked the sales person if they had any more in the back and she said no, but encouraged me to try on the 18/20.  I told her I didn't think that was possible and she raised her eyebrows and said..."oh, I think you'll be surprised" and I was...yay, I fit into the 18/24 AND in another store I bought a 1x....I'm so close to being able to shop in the regular stores....

Exciting isn't it.  Well I'm excited.

Confession -- I've done horribly with my eating....stress? Christmas? Life? I have no idea what the issue is, but I have got to get it together! I even wrote out a plan for Christmas....hahahah, well that went out the window as soon as the chili rellenos showed up.  I do have to admit though, I didn't do the massive qualities of baking I normally do and that helped a lot.

Baby steps.

For Christmas, Jason got me the bodybugg....I wasn't sure about it...technology and me..well we're not friends...but since cookies and I are breaking up, I may have more room in my life for this guy.  I spent the day hooking him all up and I'll strap him on tomorrow (did that sound dirty to anyone else?). I'm kind of excited...this is what I may need to get me back on the wagon....

It took an hour just to figure out where the USB port on the bug itself is...finally googled it and you remove the strap and it's under the strap 'encasement thing'.  It's all in the computer and I'll put it on tonight...they said to pretty much wear it 23 hours a day (I'm assuming the 1 hour you don't wear it you're in the shower).

I'll have to keep you posted.

My husband has been working like a fiend. Wavecloud, the company where he works, is launching a huge giveaway on their new website and he is putting out fires left and right...but there are still a ton of books so if you have an e-reader and want a free book, click here -- and hopefully you'll like the experience so much you'll go back and buy a book later

Sorry about the shameless plug for my husband's company but we really really want this to work, because he really really loves his job

Okay....Merry Christmas to all who celebrate, and happy regular day to those that don't and to all a Happy and thinner new year!

Wednesday Weigh In

Starting Weight: 320
Last week's Weight 238
Today's Weight 235

So I realized I did not do my weigh in last week so this three pounds is for the last two weeks, not just last week...but that's okay, I'll take it.  I can't say I've been really on track these past two weeks.  I have started my holiday baking....

this is never good.

However, this year I can't put away quite as many cookies as I've done in the past.

I'm hoping to not gain that 5-10 pounds over the holidays that I never get off and still lose....maybe not as quickly, but still lose.

So what, besides baking, have I been doing with my time since I haven't been blogging?

Making ornaments. 

I give a neighborhood ornament-exchange party every year to sort of kick off the season, and I try and make some fun party-favor ornaments to give away.  Some years they are complete duds, other years I do well.  I'm happy with this year's ornament.

For directions on these puppies -- if you are so inclined to be crafty -- can be found on my other blog, Zimmerhouse.  

Oh and then there's the kids' schedules....my goodness.  I'm glad they are both active boys who are interested in so many different things...but it's kind of exhausting for this mom at times.

We, and by that I mean Jason, are also in the midst of an IKEA-hack project where we are taking some 'billy' bookcases and making them look like built-ins. We started this in October, I really thought it would be done by now....but no....this is why it's taken us 5 years to remodel this house, it takes us forever to get anything finished....I shouldn't say remodeled like we are finished...we still have the basement and the back yard.

Oh, and an update, I didn't get the job I went for at the hospital.  They thought I was 'lovely' but I didn't have the skill set they were looking for and they needed someone up and running right away.  I'm okay with this (except that blow to my ego).  I've done a lot of thinking about this and my spiritual side is telling me that God's plan for me lies elsewhere.  I really do love my current job, the problem is that I don't get paid enough and Jason and I would really like to retire before we're 70.... I spent a lot of years out of the job market and need to do some catch up.  On the other hand this job is a good fit for our very busy family.  I also have wanted to try hospice off and on in the past couple of years.  Hospice nursing would be so rewarding and I'd be so good at it. So I think I'll stay put for this year and enjoy the benefits of school nursing -- hugs from the kiddos, autonomy, school hours and then this spring-summer begin to look around for hospice jobs.  Unless the school association (a less 'strong' version of a union...no unions in our district) can miraculously pull off a pay increase for the nurses that matches us with a teacher's salary....you all know how much teachers get paid, in our district the nurses are paid at almost the same level as the secretary staff -- who work hard -- but they only need a high school diploma to get their jobs, while we need a minimum of a BSN and have to be certified by the state. Just getting on the teacher-pay salary would be an almost 15k raise (master's plus experience would bump me up quite a bit on a certified pay scale rather than the classified one we are on).

I'm also up for my review next week.  I'm stressed out about it...a little..and here's why...I like to look good...and I'm not going to look that great at this review, I have a ton of stuff to do and haven't gotten a good handle on it...I'm managing 800 plus students and this is my first year in my own clinic (last year I followed one student).  I know I'm good at the relationship with the students and taking care of their immediate needs for care, but the paperwork...OMG, it's intense.  I still need to do vision screenings for half the students too.

So even though I'm okay with where I am, given my experience and the volume of my work...I'm not going to get distinguished marks...I'm going to get basic and proficient...and those would be accurate.  I just like to shine :D.

A big thanks to my friend, Martha, another nurse in the district, who came to help me (on the down low) in the clinic yesterday so I could get organized.

Wow, that's a lot more than I was planning on sharing....suffice it to say, yes it's been a stressful, emotionally topsy-turvy, busy couple of weeks.   Okay, now I'm off to make 4 dozen mini cheese balls (that party I mentioned above is in less than a week -- gah).

Have a wonderful Wednesday.

Happy Thanksgiving

We all have so much to be thankful for! No matter how little or how much.  For me, I have a wonderful husband who makes me laugh every day (sometimes intentionally). My boys are smart, handsome, talented and funny.  I believe they are going to grow into good men. I have a job, it's one that I love -- it's one that allows me to have holidays off. We can feed and clothe our family and have a little more for 'extras'. I live in a great neighborhood with neighbors I call friends (and mean it). I have friends who have been friends for years and they still love me.

I am blessed, and for this I am thankful!