moving it over here

So I started a weight loss journey blog on WordPress. But I can't figure out how to use that site to save my life, so I'm coming back to trusted blogspot. Unfortunately, it means that I'm now linked to my Zimmerhouse and people who know me may see this, or not....because in reality, not many people really read my blog, so I think I may be safe.

Here are the two posts I put on WordPress that I'm copying and pasting over here:

12/7/11

I'm not new to blogging but am new to Word Press, it may take me awhile to figure this out -- like why there's a ship wheel as my header?).  My other blog is full of fluff, family stuff, decorating, recipes....you know what kind of blog I'm talking about.  This blog is going to be about my struggle to lose weight and my decision to make the plunge and do the weight loss surgery.

A month ago I went to a seminar on weight loss surgery, given by Dr. Snyder of Denver Bariatrics.  The funny thing is that I knew two people on the panel of successful weight-loss participants.  One was a friend of my father's from years ago - I lost touch with her after my father died, the other, a friend from the neighborhood.  I didn't actually know this fiend had done the surgery. She most likely would have told me, if we were in a private spot, but I only see her when we're around a big group of people.  I even commented on her weight loss (and she's done fabulously well).  After the seminar, we talked, she has chosen to keep her decision to use this particular weight loss tool from people because, well, you never know how people will react.  It's this conversation that made me realize, that I too may not be ready to share with my tiny corner of the world about my decision.  Instead, I'm sharing with the faceless people out there who do not know me.

So this seminar was intriguing.  In my mind (sometimes warped mind) I saw surgery as a last ditch, failed everything else, easy out, back up plan.  Well, it won't be easy.  The way the surgeon explained it is that it is a tool, not a cure (damn it). Doing this procedure won't make life easier and the weight won't just melt off (damn it again).  But it'll help where I have failed before (whew).  It took me a bit after the seminar, but I made an appointment with the surgeon.  I met with him yesterday.  He thought I was a good candidate. I had a good support system.  Even though I'm horribly over weight, he's seen worse (and that's so not PC, but to be fair I'm the worse to other people's weight loss issue - it's all relative :D). I don't have any major health issues (yet), and he thinks I'm emotionally sound (dearhubby snickered at this one -- he went with me, and yes, he's my emotional support).

In our meeting the doc said that he understood that no one at work, none of my friends, my family and dearhubby cared that I was overweight but that it was me who has the tapes running through my head, every minute of the day, about what all this extra weight looks like, feels like,  and makes me feel less of a person. Which is a bit weird, how extra weight makes one feel less of a person.

Anyhow, that made me want to cry (but then, lots of things make me want to cry).  Because my family and friends do love me.  They don't care that  I look the way I do. I care. I hate that I don'd do things with my family because I can't, or won't fit, or feel uncomfortable.  I hate that when I'm on a plane I won't use the restroom because I don't want to walk down the little aisles bumping into people.  I don't like clothes shopping because 1. nothing cute is in my size and 2. for some reason when they make fat clothes they somehow think that fat people arms grow at the same rate as the rest of them and I can't find anything with regular arm length...or with regular neck-line sizes, seriously neck lines do NOT need to be THAT plunging - I am not a bawdy serving wench even if I have the ta-tas of one.

So, yes, I'm going to do it.

My insurance doesn't pay though

ugh

But, dearhubby is getting a new job so cross your fingers about the new insurance plan.

otherwise we're going the self pay route.

Now, I need to look through a bunch of paperwork, get signed off by a bunch of doctors, one of them a psychiatrist (hmmmm, dearhubby had fun with that one). The doc also wants me to start cutting down on my caffeine (seriously?) and start exercising, higher protein meals etc.

I can do it.

Even the caffeine part.

and 12/8/2011

I can't ask for help.  I can't even ask people to bring a side dish to a party. I want to do it myself. And truth be told, I enjoy baking and cooking and when people come over I want to give them the 'gift' of food and drink and not have them worrying about bringing a side dish. On the other hand, it's also a part of my make-up that permeates into other areas of my life. One of which makes it hard for me to ask people to help me, emotionally or physically.

I am getting my master's, right now I'm doubling up on classes and starting my thesis project. I work full-time. I have two very active boys to raise - basketball, karate, choir etc. I'm planning a party with like 40 people this coming weekend, yes, I'm doing all the cooking AND making 40 homemade ornaments (and really this isn't a complaint, I do enjoy it). This is just a little blurb to say, I keep myself really really busy.

Why?

I think, partially, I'm compensating for being overweight. If I can make other parts of my life perfect, maybe people won't notice?

or hopefully they'll still like me?

or I'll believe I'll be deserving of love and happiness?

I don't know.....it's just that being so big is really a stigma; my size screams laziness; gluttony; lack of self-will and I don't want to fall into that definition.

I am learning though, part of me wants to jump right in and do the surgery right now, but I know that with all that's going on in my life that would be a bad idea and I would set myself up for failure.

I get the summers off. I'll be done with my master's and so I'll do the surgery then.  I plan on having it next June so that I can take the time and get used to this new 'tool', take time to get into a new routine, and take time to find out who I am.....well around swimming practice, baseball games, karate tournaments and everything else the kiddos do during the summer. Oh, and who am I kidding, I'll probably try and take in a class or two, if available, to help me do better at my job, and maybe I'll finally take up quilting.

Okay, truth be told, not only am I compensating for being fat, I really enjoy learning new things, doing things for others, and keeping busy -- I guess this is partly who I am, I just need to learn a little more balance....like throw a party where I do it all, but just not at the same time I'm getting my master's.

Oops, too late for that :D