Tuesday, March 27, 2012

two more things off my surgery to-do list

For the longest time I figured I had soooo much time before my surgery.  I kept saying I have six months, I have six months...Well it's already the end of March and now, in reality, it's two months...wow! Not sure where the time has gone.  I emailed the coordinator to make sure I'm still on target and to see if I can get the surgery on 'the books'.  My hope is that because school ends on the 6th, I can have my surgery on the 7th.  I thought about giving myself a little time to 'enjoy' the summer, but then I figured, the sooner I get to losing weight the better my summer will be -- so hopefully June 7th it is...

scary but exciting!

Yesterday I had my physical.  Nothing out of the ordinary -- yay.
Then I had my psych eval....
which means I had to bring up my mother....
and my dead father

which meant tears.

and I hate to cry, especially in front of complete strangers.

She did say that she didn't see a problem with me getting the surgery, I pretty much knew what the surgery was, there was no coercion from loved ones for me to get the surgery, and I had realistic expectations about it.  But she did end the session suggesting I might benefit from therapy.

I asked, "like once a month?"
She shook her head and said that she thought more like once a week....


holy crap, I am crazy?

She suggested that I may close myself off from friends, life, experiences because I have a fear of being abandoned and hurt.

Well yeah....

But I'm used to people talking about how adjusted I am because I do a lot even though I'm deathly afraid of being abandoned....I really thought I had my shit uh, sorry, stuff together,

but I guess I could grow more in that area.

I feel tired just thinking about it.

The thing is, my mother is not a bad person.
She just didn't know how to be a mother.

I understand that raising my sister and I became too much for her, she was under tremendous amounts of stress with two new babies, a new marriage a new business and a new city.  Two young girls were more then she could handle.  She sent us to live with our dad.  I understand this on an intellectual level.

On an emotional level, not so much.

That understanding was even less when I had children of my own and realized you would have to pry them out of my dying arms before I gave them up.  The longest I spent away from my kids is when the oldest went to summer camp.  It was five days.  The day I was to to pick him up, I was was two hours early and I had to sit in my car and wait.

He didn't even miss me he had had so much fun.

I'm happy for that.  I'm happy that he's so secure in my love for him that he could enjoy a week without the fear of losing me.  He didn't even understand what missing a parent meant.  I can't imagine that kind of freedom.

Again, she's not a bad person, she has her own demons, and everyone who meets her loves her.
I love her.

I'm finally in a place of understanding.
And some peace.

I'm really not sure I want to dredge it all back up again...

so we'll see, after the surgery is done and my master's finished I may be in a place to bring up old demons.

or not.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

well that didn't go over that well.....

I've been slowly telling my friends about my upcoming plans for surgery.  The amount of support and congratulations have warmed my heart and has helped me realize that this is indeed a good move for me.  I think I was a little too awash in the tide of well wishes and happiness that surrounded me and I told another friend about it.  I was pretty shocked that I did not get that instant, "I'm so happy you're taking charge of your life" feedback.

I actually didn't get any verbal feedback.

Just a look of horror.

And this friend is one of those types of people who should have been a theater actor because she has no problem conveying what she is thinking with her facial expressions.  And her expression after I told her, could have been expressed through a bull-horn, if expressions had sound.

I was talking to my BFF a couple months ago.  She's very supportive.  She has never told me that she disagrees with my decision, although I know how she feels about surgery in general and I get the feeling that she doesn't completely agree with what I am doing, (and I only feel this because we've been friends for so long, not because she's said anything) she is going to make a serious effort to be there for me because that's who she is.  She's my BFF because we don't always see eye to eye, but we know the other doesn't make decisions lightly and we have a unconditional sisterly love for each other and can be there for each other.  She cautioned me not to tell a lot of people about this.  I didn't give her advice much thought.  She's a very private person, she doesn't really share a lot about her life with people.

I'm the complete opposite.

I share way too much about my life with people.  I have two blogs and a Facebook page for goodness sake.  If I had more time, I'd probably tweet too.

I just figured that she was overly concerned about people judging and was feeling protective.

I'm naive enough to think -- why would people judge when I'm finally taking charge of my life?  I don't judge when others do this.  Even when I disagree with someone's plan, I try not to judge, I just disagree (to myself).  I judge racists. I judge mean people.  I judge people to beat their kids and I judge really bad drivers....other then that I figure live and let live.

I'm also always surprised when other people do not think this way.

Because it's such a fantastic way to think!

So I was totally taken aback by the look of horror on my friend's face.


Never was there a time that I wanted to take my words back and swallow them....

But then swallowing my words and feelings is one of the reasons I am where I am.

Thankfully another very close friend was sitting next to me.  She put her hand on my arm and said, "I'm so happy for you"

So, will I clam up and not share this with people? I'm not sure yet.  I think I will hint around first, get the lay of the land.  I may get reactions like this friend...but so far I've gotten much more support and love from my other friends.  This one incident is the anomaly.  Support and love have been the norm.  If I didn't share this with my friends, I wouldn't have all this wonderful support.

Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good.

To my friends that support me and love me, thank you!

Friday, March 9, 2012

That extra day didn't help

I really wish February 29th was a real extra day, one that I could have used to catch up on stuff, but no it was just a regular ol' day full of things to do and things not done.


So, what have I been doing, besides working, school (May 25th can't get here soon enough), chauffeuring the kids to their various events?  Well, I've gotten onto calorie count dot com and have started (finally) logging my food.  I've been honest too.  My two biggest surprises?

I don't get enough fats

you're kidding me right?

and I consume an extreme amount of sodium.

The sodium thing freaked me out because I never add salt to anything.  Probably because there's already so much salt in everything.

First day I logged in? 425%

I kid you not.
No wonder my feet were swelling like crazy.

I've got myself down to 195% and am feeling good about that.

That lower fat/cal sausage mcmuffin wannabe? Got a D on the Caloriecount website...why? because of the sodium (and probably other stuff).  I'll have to be really good about the rest of the day....like say lay off the California Rolls (I figured, brown rice, awesome, right? -- uh no ridiculously high in sodium).

I have also yet to get in my required potassium.  
(thank goodness for multi-vitamins)

The good news....
I'm good with protein and seem to always get enough calcium and vitamin A.

It was pretty eye-opening.  If you're on that site look for me, I'm RNTracey.

When you started exploring your diet more carefully did any of you have any 'aha' eye-opening moments?