scary but exciting!
Yesterday I had my physical. Nothing out of the ordinary -- yay.
Then I had my psych eval....
which means I had to bring up my mother....
and my dead father
which meant tears.
and I hate to cry, especially in front of complete strangers.
She did say that she didn't see a problem with me getting the surgery, I pretty much knew what the surgery was, there was no coercion from loved ones for me to get the surgery, and I had realistic expectations about it. But she did end the session suggesting I might benefit from therapy.
I asked, "like once a month?"
She shook her head and said that she thought more like once a week....
ONCE A WEEK?
holy crap, I am crazy?
She suggested that I may close myself off from friends, life, experiences because I have a fear of being abandoned and hurt.
But I'm used to people talking about how adjusted I am because I do a lot even though I'm deathly afraid of being abandoned....I really thought I had my
but I guess I could grow more in that area.
I feel tired just thinking about it.
The thing is, my mother is not a bad person.
She just didn't know how to be a mother.
I understand that raising my sister and I became too much for her, she was under tremendous amounts of stress with two new babies, a new marriage a new business and a new city. Two young girls were more then she could handle. She sent us to live with our dad. I understand this on an intellectual level.
On an emotional level, not so much.
That understanding was even less when I had children of my own and realized you would have to pry them out of my dying arms before I gave them up. The longest I spent away from my kids is when the oldest went to summer camp. It was five days. The day I was to to pick him up, I was was two hours early and I had to sit in my car and wait.
He didn't even miss me he had had so much fun.
I'm happy for that. I'm happy that he's so secure in my love for him that he could enjoy a week without the fear of losing me. He didn't even understand what missing a parent meant. I can't imagine that kind of freedom.
Again, she's not a bad person, she has her own demons, and everyone who meets her loves her.
I love her.
I'm finally in a place of understanding.
And some peace.
I'm really not sure I want to dredge it all back up again...
so we'll see, after the surgery is done and my master's finished I may be in a place to bring up old demons.