Tuesday, March 27, 2012

two more things off my surgery to-do list

For the longest time I figured I had soooo much time before my surgery.  I kept saying I have six months, I have six months...Well it's already the end of March and now, in reality, it's two months...wow! Not sure where the time has gone.  I emailed the coordinator to make sure I'm still on target and to see if I can get the surgery on 'the books'.  My hope is that because school ends on the 6th, I can have my surgery on the 7th.  I thought about giving myself a little time to 'enjoy' the summer, but then I figured, the sooner I get to losing weight the better my summer will be -- so hopefully June 7th it is...

scary but exciting!

Yesterday I had my physical.  Nothing out of the ordinary -- yay.
Then I had my psych eval....
which means I had to bring up my mother....
and my dead father

which meant tears.

and I hate to cry, especially in front of complete strangers.

She did say that she didn't see a problem with me getting the surgery, I pretty much knew what the surgery was, there was no coercion from loved ones for me to get the surgery, and I had realistic expectations about it.  But she did end the session suggesting I might benefit from therapy.

I asked, "like once a month?"
She shook her head and said that she thought more like once a week....


holy crap, I am crazy?

She suggested that I may close myself off from friends, life, experiences because I have a fear of being abandoned and hurt.

Well yeah....

But I'm used to people talking about how adjusted I am because I do a lot even though I'm deathly afraid of being abandoned....I really thought I had my shit uh, sorry, stuff together,

but I guess I could grow more in that area.

I feel tired just thinking about it.

The thing is, my mother is not a bad person.
She just didn't know how to be a mother.

I understand that raising my sister and I became too much for her, she was under tremendous amounts of stress with two new babies, a new marriage a new business and a new city.  Two young girls were more then she could handle.  She sent us to live with our dad.  I understand this on an intellectual level.

On an emotional level, not so much.

That understanding was even less when I had children of my own and realized you would have to pry them out of my dying arms before I gave them up.  The longest I spent away from my kids is when the oldest went to summer camp.  It was five days.  The day I was to to pick him up, I was was two hours early and I had to sit in my car and wait.

He didn't even miss me he had had so much fun.

I'm happy for that.  I'm happy that he's so secure in my love for him that he could enjoy a week without the fear of losing me.  He didn't even understand what missing a parent meant.  I can't imagine that kind of freedom.

Again, she's not a bad person, she has her own demons, and everyone who meets her loves her.
I love her.

I'm finally in a place of understanding.
And some peace.

I'm really not sure I want to dredge it all back up again...

so we'll see, after the surgery is done and my master's finished I may be in a place to bring up old demons.

or not.


  1. I can understand this.Honestly, therapy is just a way to process things that have happened to you and talk to someone about your life. Someone who can see it objectively and may have insight. And who couldn't use that? lol...I don't know a single person in this world that wouldn't benefit from that. I think it's useful if you can find someone that really understands what bariatric patients deal with during the process. On the other hand, you should deal with things when you are ready. Like you, there are certain things that I have to hold off on really delving into until I feel mentally able to handle it. Sounds to me like you are totally on the right track and I'm excited for you and your upcoming surgery!

  2. I seriously think all overweight people should see a therapists...I mean really we are compensating for something.

  3. I'm sure you're well adjusted and it seems that every psychologist or counselor or whatever that we go to for these psych evals say the same thing. We would benefit from therapy. And they're probably right. I think, on some level, EVERYONE would benefit from therapy because we've all had jacked up things happen to us. However, I have also noticed that people who combine therapy with WLS usually fare a bit better than those without it. :)

  4. Maybe therapy wouldn't be a bad idea. Food issues are hard to overcome, and the situation with your mother... that's very difficult.

    I know that there are very few things that override the maternal instinct and depression is one of them. Try to imagine being so depressed or lonely that you would leave your kids... that's heartbreaking for any mother to even consider. I can only imagine what a horrendous experience it was for you all, but I take it she's back in your life now and mending those fences. At least as much as they can be.

    Maybe talking through it with a therapist would allow you to rid yourself of some of the residual anger and finally forgive your mother for abandoning you. Maybe the forgiveness there would help you realize what an amazingly strong woman you are and help you beat whatever demons caused you to gain weight in the first place.

  5. These thing will come up hard core after surgery. It happened to me and I see it happen to so many others. Be ready. You are strong and you will manage! :)