Three to the new me ----

So I figured this last weekend would be me getting ready for my surgery, cleaning, organizing, pedicure, massage...who was I kidding?  Why is this not going to happen?  Because I'm the queen of freakin' procrastination - that's why.  And to top it off, the website Jason is working on is going to go live this weekend, so he's going to be no help.  I have a paper due, I have to clean up my capstone project and get that all done this weekend.  I'm not going to the lovely Paris Street Market flea market today with my friends, or get that pedicure and I cancelled my hair appointment yesterday -- thank goodness I'll probably get to wear a surgical cap for the surgery.  I will either be driving kid 2 to karate, and kid 1 to baseball, making dinner and working on my papers.

I think one of the reasons I'm getting this surgery is because I'll have an excuse to rest for a couple of weeks.

Maybe it's good that I'm so busy, I won't be able to concentrate on all those 'what if' thoughts I have about surgery.

But hey, school will be done on Monday and the new me will begin on Tuesday--- whew, deep breath...

Assuming I pass, I will get to start the new me with an advanced degree -- not bad.

I can do this.

Four and counting.....

Last night was a mom-chauffeur night from hell.  Jason had to work until like 10 last night (he ended up working until midnight) and I had two kids in two different areas and picking up another kid too...and there was some overlapping...and some things sprung up at the last minute so I had no time to find other people to help out....So someone dropped J and other boy off at baseball practice (half an hour away). I took I to his talent show.  He got to perform, but we left before the final bow and he was SO UPSET.  He cried the half hour to the baseball fields. He held it together when brother and friend got into the car.

Here's the thing...this is my sensitive child, he's also my overweight child.  When we told them about the surgery, he actually asked if he could have it too.  Breaks your heart a little doesn't it.  He will grow into his weight (the kid is 9, over 5 feet, and wears a 9 men's shoe -- he's gonna shoot up pretty quickly here).  He's also about to start swim team and now that summer is here, he's been spending more and more time outside.  I'm not too worried about his weight at this point. He'll always be a big guy, he's tall, he's thickly built, his shoulder span is almost that of mine.  It's hard on him because his brother, is rail thin (and also tall, at 12 he's my height, and I'm not a short woman). We also have a rule at our house (and the kids think they're living in fascist state because of it) no sugar during the weeks, no soda, no candy, no desserts.  These are special treats and only allowed on the weekends, or holidays.

But there he was sobbing in the back seat as we were on our way to the baseball practice to pick up other son and other boy and it was breaking my heart because I knew it was all my fault (well really Jason's fault, but he was busy being a provider to his family so that we could have the car, the house, the baseball practice and the costumes for the talent show---so really if he wasn't doing what he was doing there would be no picking up to do).

My first thought was to tell I -- "hey honey, how about Dairy Queen, would that make you feel better?"
I had to bite my freakin' tongue.  Flash back to me as a kid, crying about something and eating some ice cream with the tears streaming down my face and stuffing the sobs with creamy goodness and  my mother telling me I was fine and whatever I was upset about wasn't worth being upset about.

So, when we got to the fields, we waited for J and friend to be finished and I got into the back seat with I and hugged him, and I just let him cry.  It was his right to be upset.  He didn't need to stuff his emotions. He could just have them.  And I had to be okay with that.

Food can be healing, but when it's used to stuff our emotions, it's dangerous.
Sometimes we learn these lessons by trying to provide something different for our children (because a lot of times we love them more then we love ourselves).

And then there were five------

In five days I will be at the hospital getting my surgery....It's going by so quickly.

We told the kids a couple days ago -- it went like this:

Me: Mommy's going to have surgery next week.
I and J: Why?
Me: To help me lose weight.
J: That's cool, I need a permission slip signed so I can go to a picnic at school.
I: Can you make me a lunch before you leave for the hospital?

And then it was life as usual.

But they're 12 and 9, they've never had to worry about anything. I'm the worrier and that's why I kept this from them until it was almost time for the surgery because I wanted to keep them from worrying too much.  Not sure if it's because they're boys? or if they've had such a stable upbringing? or it's just not in their nature to worry?  Must be nice!

I think I'm going to go with, it's their upbringing and pat myself on the back.

Less than a week.

WOW.

So I'm in a weird mood today, I'm really tired, trying to get my last week of school done, I'm feeling overwhelmed by everything, my house is a mess, I can't keep my schedule straight...Part of it, I think is this momentous life changing surgery that's going to happen in less-then-a-week (insert panicked scream right now) and I'm a bit freaked out, but also happy, excited, apprehensive, curious, calm! 

So what have I been doing today?

Blurting out to almost everyone that I'm going to be having this surgery.

So far, all I've gotten is positive feed back.

WOW.  So nice that that's what's happening, since we all know (see a few posts ago) that this hasn't always been the case.

I didn't really want to be so forthcoming about this....

I'm just nervous.

I should wear a muzzle when I'm nervous.

Not weight or surgery related

So a little off topic moment to say -- IT'S MY 20TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY TODAY -- I am married to one of the most patient, loving, loyal men, and he's pretty cute too. He's also a great father, a wonderful provider and the funniest man I know!

Here's a picture of me from 1992 -- 1992, a lifetime ago!  Here's how long ago it was, my wedding colors...pink and teal -- yeah, that color combination, probably never coming back into style.

11 days and counting....

Wow, eleven days left before my surgery. The time flew by. I met with the surgeon a couple days ago to go over all my pre-op stuff, do my EKG, and some blood work.  The last few weeks I've been getting emails from the coordinator about this or that that may be an issue and she would end each email with a "don't worry".  Seriously, you're missing this, or this letter from your doctor is too vague...and don't worry....don't worry?  Well, I guess I shouldn't have worried because the doctor didn't even bat an eyelash.  He's good to go.

And then I had to write all the checks, to the surgeon, the surgical assistant, the anesthesiologist, and the hospital.

That was a little painful.

I mean that could have been a family trip to Europe, a new basement, or new landscaping for the backyard.  But I'm spending it all on myself.

On myself....

Which brings me to the awesome nurse in the pre-op testing for the hospital.  She told me..."remember, the day of your surgery and your recovery are about YOU, don't worry about being a nurse, don't worry about being a wife, don't worry about being a mother. Take care of YOU"

hmmmmm.

I know not what she means.

So capstone project, had to postpone for one week because I didn't finish everything in time.  New finish date is June 4th.
Surgery June 5th
Last day of school June 6th (taking the last two days off because of surgery)

Wonder if I can add anything else in that week of June?

To the two people who read my blog...HAVE A HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND!

It's all clear now

And now I know why even though I put them safely in my freezer so that they can last for months, they're gone in weeks --- okay days.

I guess instead of a 'crack-ho' I'm a 'thin mints ho'

Still working on my Capstone project, will write more later.