soft foods...yay

Starting weight 318

Last weight 298

Current weight 297

I didn't lose as much as weight as I wanted this week which was frustrating. But, I was thinking about this...in the past when I would come to a stand still so early in my weight loss, I'd give up and go back to my old ways...the difference now is I can't.  This is why this is a good thing. I'm starting to feel positive again even though I periodically have those periods of where I thought to myself, "seriously I did this to myself for only 20 lbs"  I'm very good at fatalistic thinking -- it's a talent really.

Starting today and for the next three weeks I get to have soft foods....my diet just expanded and I'm so happy!  I stay at one ounce every two hours and up it to 2-3 ounces every 3 hours...the goal is to keep it at 2-3 ounces every 3 hours for at least three months.  

What was my first meal? Well I had a coupon for some Morning Star products and found these in the freezer section and thought they looked yummy so I bought some in anticipation of this day...

Half of one is 2.25 oz, 35 kcals, and 4.5 g of protein.
Since egg whites gave me a little trouble in the first week I was on "mushies" the nutritionist said to take it easy with the animal proteins and go at it slowly.  I will probably have to supplement with a protein shake until I can get on more animal proteins.

Oh, and it tasted yummy.  It was a good first choice.

hit a wall and I'm going to whine about it

This was a little funny I saw on Pinterest.  I think the main reason I think it's funny is this is how my mind works.  The scale hasn't moved in the last couple of days.  I shouldn't be surprised. This is how it works. But seriously, with what I'm NOT eating, I was hoping for a bit more.  I'm also really tired right now too and crampy and grumpy.  I think I might actually be coming up on my TOM (and with PCOS...TOM is really Time of the Whenever my Body Feels Like It, rather then Month).

And food...oh my gosh.  I didn't realize how much I would miss it.  And how many freakin' food commercials are out there.  You have to be kidding me.  The first two weeks were great because my friends chipped in and cooked for the family. It was GREAT, I didn't have to think about it.  But now, I need to plan and cook for the family...normally, I love doing this, but lately, I just feel sad.  I wonder if alcoholics feels this way when they give up drinking? I guess the difference is (and I'm not judging which is harder, getting rid of any addiction is hard work)...but the alcoholic doesn't have to make her/his kids a cocktail every night.  I have to cook every night.

I almost licked the kids' faces the other night, just to get an essence of whatever they were eating.

I should make them things I don't like...but really I like most everything.

Right now I'm going to look at my ankles...because I have them again and I love that....can't wait to have knees again.

And be happy I'm already off my high blood pressure meds.

Oh yeah, and in talking about the whole weight loss stuff, forgot to mention I got my Master's...yay!  I was turning in my last assignment the night before the surgery --- talk about cutting it close.

OK, off my chest, already feeling better!

NSV, crossing stuff off my list

starting weight: 318
weight last week: 304
today's weight: 298

So yay, I've lost 20lbs -- in two weeks.  But, really although I know I should be happy, and in a small way I am...it doesn't feel like that much of an accomplishment because I've lost this twenty pounds lots of times....it keeps wanting to come back though.  I'm hoping when I break that 40 pound loss and still see loss, I'll feel like this is really going to work....Anyhow...baby steps.

Also, I have a confession, I was getting on the scale every day.  Even though they tell you not to, I still did because it was exciting...a pound a day..that's biggest loser kind of stuff. But then twice this week the scale did not register those kind of losses. And I get that whole thing about the body adjusting, reworking itself into this new person....but still....there's understanding and there's wanting.  I think I'll stick with once a week for now.

Good news...my NSV (non scale victory) this week is small, but I'm happy with it.  A few weeks ago when one of the kids had to get something out of the trunk and I was in the driver's seat, I would actually turn off the car, take my key out and use the key to open the trunk remotely......I couldn't bend over and get the lever.  Today, I was able to leave the car running and bend over and pull the lever --- even with my seat belt on -- to open the trunk so the kids can get there sports gear in and out.  It's small, but it's the beginning of even bigger and better NSVs.

So, how's the food and drink going?
I know all surgeons do things differently...here's how mine does it:
1st week, protein drinks and fluids (attempt to get 60-75g of protein)
2-3rd weeks, same as a above plus every two hours one ounce of egg whites, refried beans, cottage cheese, yogurt, or pudding.

I'm starting the third week.  I've had a hard time, even with planning, eating every two hours -- frankly, I'm not that hungry and I forget, life gets busy.  And it's not like any of those things is super exciting.  Except for the first day, where refried beans seemed the best thing EVER.  Now, not so much.  The last couple days, I've been doing much better though.  I do have to say the only thing that gave me any trouble were the egg whites.  I ate half of my cooked one ounce of egg whites and told my husband, I just couldn't eat any more.  Jason cracked up.  I can do it now, which is good because the egg whites are my favorite of all of my choices. A friend had suggested that my stomach is still healing and that might be what the problem was.

So --
loving the Premier brand of protein shakes (you can get them at costco) they have 30g of protein, 3g of carbs.
Have also been putting Jay Robb's orange protein powder into plain greek yogurt to umph (that's a word!) my protein.
Bariwise hot cocoa (15g protein) not bad
Bariwise peach iced tea -- couldn't finish it -- would not recommend it.

After I'm finished with this phase, I get three weeks of soft foods. Tuna is on that list...so I can't wait for tuna.

I've been dreaming about what my first 'real' meal should be -- grilled salmon and grilled asparagus -- at least my 'fantasy' food is getting healthier.

waking up after surgery

This was my first experience having surgery and I have to say it was one trippy feeling.  I remember being wheeled into the OR and getting on the table.  The head nurse was talking about how he got a speeding ticket on the way to the OR. I remember getting nervous so I was doing some deep breathing exercises and keeping my eyes closed as they prepped everything. The anesthesiologist put the oxygen mask on me and BAM nothing.

I woke up in post-op at first saying "ouch, ouch ouch" they must have pumped me with enough Diluaded that I was able to speak.  The head nurse came by to see how I was doing and I teased him about his ticket, he couldn't believe I remembered.  Then I started babbling about a dream I had and when my nurse asked what it was, I said "I had no idea"

then...the really goofy stuff happened.

My hopped up on drugs one-sided conversation:

When can I see my husband?

I love my husband.

He's such a wonderful man.

We met in high school.

(husband comes in about this time)

We've been married for 20 years.

I love him so much.

When can I see him.

Jason: I'm here honey

Nurse: She's doing really well, we'll take her up to her room soon, we'll come get you when it's time.

Me: ouch ouch ouch

(more Dilauded)

Honey, I love you so much.

(he leaves)

My husband is so great

I'm so lucky.

OMG -- such a goober.

I do love my husband.

I just don't normally go on and on about it.

So on mushy foods for the next two weeks...
and hmmmmm.
dreaming about grilled salmon and asparagus --- at least my dreams are healthier.

Tried some orange dreamsicle protein powder in with my one ounce of plain greek yogurt...and not bad...

I'm a nurse, so this may gross you non nurse people out

Starting weight: 318
Today's weight 304
Had my one week appointment today, all went well. I'm totally off of blood pressure medication (how cool is that!). I'm feeling pretty good considering I went through a pretty major surgery last week. I haven't needed any oxy since Sunday and I only take tylenol at night and maybe once during the day, and only 500 mg, I don't even double up.  I can't wait though 'til I feel less tired.  They didn't have to pull my drain today (my doc likes the drain in for a week) because I pulled it myself last night...it went a bit like this:

So the stitches holding my 'drain' came loose (maybe because I decided to reorganize the linen closet) and the drain started coming out. So I called the MD office and the nurse there said I could always pull it......I could have taped it all back in place but it was really bugging me, so good news. I waited 'til Jason came home...because he loves all things medical like that, (NOT). And I said, "look, I don't need any help, I just need you to be here in case I pass out" 
so I start pulling....Jason is freaking out...."how long is that thing"

me: "I don't know"

He sits on edge of bathtub "I think I'm going to be sick"

I'm still pulling, "wow, it's not giving, I hope it's not stuck on an organ or anything"

Jason, "OMG OMG"

Me, "Oh it was just the angle"

Jason, "I think I'm going to pass out" head in hands

Me "wow"

Jason "what what what"

Me "there's like a foot that was wider then the the actual tube with all these holes in it, like a filter..hmmm who knew"

Jason jumping up and down..."what the hell tracey, I can't believe you just did that!"

me, "no big deal, but could you get me some more sterile gauze"

Jason "oh yeah"

Jason "hey these are made in china"

Me "great, I'll probably get lead poisoning"

Jason, "don't worry they were sterilized in the US"

Me "looking at the JP drain that was in my abdomen "how cool is that, it must increase the surface area so it can catch more fluid"

Jason "I'm going to throw up, I have to lie down"

Me "you do know this all happened to me right?"

Jason "no, no, it's really all about me right now"

Me, "you're never going to have sex with me again are you"

Jason, "it'll be awhile"

back home

wow, really tired...but I'm back home now. Surgery is such a trip. I remember they putting on an oxygen mask and then poof, I'm in the recovery room...moaning...and saying, "ouch, ouch ouch".  Thankfully they got the pain under control pretty quickly. I ended up staying an extra night because I spiked a fever. My white blood cells were fine (no infection), chest x-rays fine, no pneumonia or pulmonary embolism, ultrasound fine, no blood clots.  So no reason for the fever...except maybe my body's immune system went into overdrive because it was severely assaulted.

I have been having moments of "what the hell have I done".  But I get the feeling as I slowly heal I will be glad I did this. In the mean time I'm gong to get a lot of rest and heal.

Whoo hoo it's down to two....

Did anyone else think that maybe they shouldn't go through with the surgery at the last minute? A neighborhood icon - a former crossing guard, who all the children loved, died a couple days ago, then the next day my sister's dog got run over, and then on Saturday a good friend's dog passed away.

Are these signs?

One of my friends (thanks colleen) said if they're signs, they're signs I should get healthy!

I'm going to go with that...

Other then morbid thoughts, I'm mostly just scrambling to get all the stuff (evidence of accomplishments) together for my capstone project together to turn in.  I can't believe tomorrow will be the last day of my last class.

It's probably good I'm so busy with school, otherwise I'd make myself nuts thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I'd probably do something stupid and open up an old med-surg book to really freak myself out.

The next class I'm going to take -- quilting -- something fun and I've always wanted to learn.

two

I can't believe it

two

Three to the new me ----

So I figured this last weekend would be me getting ready for my surgery, cleaning, organizing, pedicure, massage...who was I kidding?  Why is this not going to happen?  Because I'm the queen of freakin' procrastination - that's why.  And to top it off, the website Jason is working on is going to go live this weekend, so he's going to be no help.  I have a paper due, I have to clean up my capstone project and get that all done this weekend.  I'm not going to the lovely Paris Street Market flea market today with my friends, or get that pedicure and I cancelled my hair appointment yesterday -- thank goodness I'll probably get to wear a surgical cap for the surgery.  I will either be driving kid 2 to karate, and kid 1 to baseball, making dinner and working on my papers.

I think one of the reasons I'm getting this surgery is because I'll have an excuse to rest for a couple of weeks.

Maybe it's good that I'm so busy, I won't be able to concentrate on all those 'what if' thoughts I have about surgery.

But hey, school will be done on Monday and the new me will begin on Tuesday--- whew, deep breath...

Assuming I pass, I will get to start the new me with an advanced degree -- not bad.

I can do this.

Four and counting.....

Last night was a mom-chauffeur night from hell.  Jason had to work until like 10 last night (he ended up working until midnight) and I had two kids in two different areas and picking up another kid too...and there was some overlapping...and some things sprung up at the last minute so I had no time to find other people to help out....So someone dropped J and other boy off at baseball practice (half an hour away). I took I to his talent show.  He got to perform, but we left before the final bow and he was SO UPSET.  He cried the half hour to the baseball fields. He held it together when brother and friend got into the car.

Here's the thing...this is my sensitive child, he's also my overweight child.  When we told them about the surgery, he actually asked if he could have it too.  Breaks your heart a little doesn't it.  He will grow into his weight (the kid is 9, over 5 feet, and wears a 9 men's shoe -- he's gonna shoot up pretty quickly here).  He's also about to start swim team and now that summer is here, he's been spending more and more time outside.  I'm not too worried about his weight at this point. He'll always be a big guy, he's tall, he's thickly built, his shoulder span is almost that of mine.  It's hard on him because his brother, is rail thin (and also tall, at 12 he's my height, and I'm not a short woman). We also have a rule at our house (and the kids think they're living in fascist state because of it) no sugar during the weeks, no soda, no candy, no desserts.  These are special treats and only allowed on the weekends, or holidays.

But there he was sobbing in the back seat as we were on our way to the baseball practice to pick up other son and other boy and it was breaking my heart because I knew it was all my fault (well really Jason's fault, but he was busy being a provider to his family so that we could have the car, the house, the baseball practice and the costumes for the talent show---so really if he wasn't doing what he was doing there would be no picking up to do).

My first thought was to tell I -- "hey honey, how about Dairy Queen, would that make you feel better?"
I had to bite my freakin' tongue.  Flash back to me as a kid, crying about something and eating some ice cream with the tears streaming down my face and stuffing the sobs with creamy goodness and  my mother telling me I was fine and whatever I was upset about wasn't worth being upset about.

So, when we got to the fields, we waited for J and friend to be finished and I got into the back seat with I and hugged him, and I just let him cry.  It was his right to be upset.  He didn't need to stuff his emotions. He could just have them.  And I had to be okay with that.

Food can be healing, but when it's used to stuff our emotions, it's dangerous.
Sometimes we learn these lessons by trying to provide something different for our children (because a lot of times we love them more then we love ourselves).