two more things off my surgery to-do list

For the longest time I figured I had soooo much time before my surgery.  I kept saying I have six months, I have six months...Well it's already the end of March and now, in reality, it's two months...wow! Not sure where the time has gone.  I emailed the coordinator to make sure I'm still on target and to see if I can get the surgery on 'the books'.  My hope is that because school ends on the 6th, I can have my surgery on the 7th.  I thought about giving myself a little time to 'enjoy' the summer, but then I figured, the sooner I get to losing weight the better my summer will be -- so hopefully June 7th it is...

scary but exciting!

Yesterday I had my physical.  Nothing out of the ordinary -- yay.
Then I had my psych eval....
which means I had to bring up my mother....
and my dead father

which meant tears.

and I hate to cry, especially in front of complete strangers.

She did say that she didn't see a problem with me getting the surgery, I pretty much knew what the surgery was, there was no coercion from loved ones for me to get the surgery, and I had realistic expectations about it.  But she did end the session suggesting I might benefit from therapy.

I asked, "like once a month?"
She shook her head and said that she thought more like once a week....

ONCE A WEEK?

holy crap, I am crazy?

She suggested that I may close myself off from friends, life, experiences because I have a fear of being abandoned and hurt.

Well yeah....

But I'm used to people talking about how adjusted I am because I do a lot even though I'm deathly afraid of being abandoned....I really thought I had my shit uh, sorry, stuff together,

but I guess I could grow more in that area.

I feel tired just thinking about it.

The thing is, my mother is not a bad person.
She just didn't know how to be a mother.

I understand that raising my sister and I became too much for her, she was under tremendous amounts of stress with two new babies, a new marriage a new business and a new city.  Two young girls were more then she could handle.  She sent us to live with our dad.  I understand this on an intellectual level.

On an emotional level, not so much.

That understanding was even less when I had children of my own and realized you would have to pry them out of my dying arms before I gave them up.  The longest I spent away from my kids is when the oldest went to summer camp.  It was five days.  The day I was to to pick him up, I was was two hours early and I had to sit in my car and wait.

He didn't even miss me he had had so much fun.

I'm happy for that.  I'm happy that he's so secure in my love for him that he could enjoy a week without the fear of losing me.  He didn't even understand what missing a parent meant.  I can't imagine that kind of freedom.

Again, she's not a bad person, she has her own demons, and everyone who meets her loves her.
I love her.

I'm finally in a place of understanding.
And some peace.

I'm really not sure I want to dredge it all back up again...

so we'll see, after the surgery is done and my master's finished I may be in a place to bring up old demons.

or not.

well that didn't go over that well.....

I've been slowly telling my friends about my upcoming plans for surgery.  The amount of support and congratulations have warmed my heart and has helped me realize that this is indeed a good move for me.  I think I was a little too awash in the tide of well wishes and happiness that surrounded me and I told another friend about it.  I was pretty shocked that I did not get that instant, "I'm so happy you're taking charge of your life" feedback.

I actually didn't get any verbal feedback.

Just a look of horror.

And this friend is one of those types of people who should have been a theater actor because she has no problem conveying what she is thinking with her facial expressions.  And her expression after I told her, could have been expressed through a bull-horn, if expressions had sound.

I was talking to my BFF a couple months ago.  She's very supportive.  She has never told me that she disagrees with my decision, although I know how she feels about surgery in general and I get the feeling that she doesn't completely agree with what I am doing, (and I only feel this because we've been friends for so long, not because she's said anything) she is going to make a serious effort to be there for me because that's who she is.  She's my BFF because we don't always see eye to eye, but we know the other doesn't make decisions lightly and we have a unconditional sisterly love for each other and can be there for each other.  She cautioned me not to tell a lot of people about this.  I didn't give her advice much thought.  She's a very private person, she doesn't really share a lot about her life with people.

I'm the complete opposite.

I share way too much about my life with people.  I have two blogs and a Facebook page for goodness sake.  If I had more time, I'd probably tweet too.

I just figured that she was overly concerned about people judging and was feeling protective.

I'm naive enough to think -- why would people judge when I'm finally taking charge of my life?  I don't judge when others do this.  Even when I disagree with someone's plan, I try not to judge, I just disagree (to myself).  I judge racists. I judge mean people.  I judge people to beat their kids and I judge really bad drivers....other then that I figure live and let live.

I'm also always surprised when other people do not think this way.

Because it's such a fantastic way to think!

So I was totally taken aback by the look of horror on my friend's face.

yikes.

Never was there a time that I wanted to take my words back and swallow them....

But then swallowing my words and feelings is one of the reasons I am where I am.

Thankfully another very close friend was sitting next to me.  She put her hand on my arm and said, "I'm so happy for you"

So, will I clam up and not share this with people? I'm not sure yet.  I think I will hint around first, get the lay of the land.  I may get reactions like this friend...but so far I've gotten much more support and love from my other friends.  This one incident is the anomaly.  Support and love have been the norm.  If I didn't share this with my friends, I wouldn't have all this wonderful support.

Sometimes you have to take the bad with the good.

To my friends that support me and love me, thank you!

That extra day didn't help

I really wish February 29th was a real extra day, one that I could have used to catch up on stuff, but no it was just a regular ol' day full of things to do and things not done.

sigh

So, what have I been doing, besides working, school (May 25th can't get here soon enough), chauffeuring the kids to their various events?  Well, I've gotten onto calorie count dot com and have started (finally) logging my food.  I've been honest too.  My two biggest surprises?

I don't get enough fats

you're kidding me right?

and I consume an extreme amount of sodium.

The sodium thing freaked me out because I never add salt to anything.  Probably because there's already so much salt in everything.

First day I logged in? 425%

I kid you not.

No wonder my feet were swelling like crazy.

I've got myself down to 195% and am feeling good about that.

That lower fat/cal sausage mcmuffin wannabe? Got a D on the Caloriecount website...why? because of the sodium (and probably other stuff).  I'll have to be really good about the rest of the day....like say lay off the California Rolls (I figured, brown rice, awesome, right? -- uh no ridiculously high in sodium).

I have also yet to get in my required potassium.  

(thank goodness for multi-vitamins)

The good news....

I'm good with protein and seem to always get enough calcium and vitamin A.

It was pretty eye-opening.  If you're on that site look for me, I'm RNTracey.

When you started exploring your diet more carefully did any of you have any 'aha' eye-opening moments?

my version of a sausage biscuit

Anyone else love those breakfast sausage biscuits from McDonald's? Anyone even willing to admit it.  I do!  They 'stick to your ribs'. After one of those I don't need to eat for hours. And...breakfast is the most important meal of the day -- But I don't like how bad they are for you.  

So here's my version -- granted, still not the healthiest, but better.  Takes almost no prep time -- seriously ripping open a couple packages and throwing something into the oven and microwave. It's high in protein and a moderate amount of calories.  AND -- real biscuits.

 Have you seen these mini biscuits? They're real, you get that biscuit flavor and texture but better portion control.

The biscuits take 17 minutes in a 350 degree oven, and the sausage 70 seconds in the microwave.

 Serving size is two biscuits, we only use one.  It's enough, you get that biscuit flavor with just one.  So using one biscuit and two turkey sausages your calorie intake is 210 kcal, 10 fat gams, 14.5 protein g  & 11 carbs.

I'm not claiming it's a health food, but it's a better choice than the McDonald's sausage biscuit (430 kcal, 27 fat grams, 34 carbs & 11 g protein).  Even if you are one of those people who never ever crave them.

The kids love them too!

Nurse meetings.....ugh

So the school district where I work has a health promotion obesity prevention initiative going on.  The all-day nurses' meeting was about that.  The first issue I had was the presenters were not that great.  I actually was looking forward to this talk because 1. this is what my final project is on and 2. I feel strongly about this issue -- I would love it if I could help prevent another person from having to feel what I feel on a daily basis about myself.  The presenters kept bumbling through the presentation and had a hard time regaining the attention of the nurses after the many, many exercises they gave us to do (and by exercises, I really mean exercises...push ups and such).  The other thing I didn't like was the emphasis that was placed on BMI's and targeting the kids that were already over weight and obese.  Yes, I get it, these are the kids at a higher risk for disease.  I get that they need help.  I also get that ALL kids benefit from a healthy lifestyle, not just those that are obese.  There's also an underlying feeling that because these kids (and adults) who look different because of  weight are targets for the unhealthy-police.  The kids that are thin might get missed.  Being thin does not automatically exclude you from disease.  All kids should be exposed to health-promoting education and activities.  Most kids should not be put on a calorie restrictive diet.  Rather they should increase fruits and vegetables, decrease screen time, increase activities and decrease sugar, especially sodas and 'grow' into their weight.  And again, ALL kids should be doing this.  This was the message of the lecture, but not sure if that's the message that got heard.  These were some of the questions and comments coming from the audience:

"I call parents up and tell them their kid's excess weight is preventable"

um...as a parent I'm going to respond to this how?  Why don't you just say, "hey you dumbass parent stop feeding your kids sugar and get him off the coach!" --

I have one kid who is tall and skinny, and another who is tall and built like a line-backer.  The linebacker is in Karate and swimming....he's solid, but with a baby face and a tummy -- we limit sodas and desserts to the weekend, he gets a ton of fruits and veggies (because I am a fruit and veggie nazi, and even sneak them in some of the main dishes, on top of having them as side dishes).  If I got a call like that, I'd freak out.

The nurse at the school where my younger son goes was sitting in front of me and I whispered to her that she didn't actually need to call me about my kid.  She laughed.

"How do you tell a parent their kid is fat?"

um, you don't!
You tell the parent if the kid needs to be screened for high blood pressure or other issues.  You send home information about resources, nutrition and exercise.

"Do I just call every parent with a kid who has a high BMI"

Thankfully the head of nursing addressed this.  Right now collecting BMIs are for data purposes only.  IF there is an issue like high blood pressure that corresponds with the BMI you mention to the parents that the kiddo has a high BP, oh and his BMI is whatever.

It was also addressed that some kids, especially those in sports, have skewed BMIs because of their muscle mass.

Not one of these nurses was mean, catty or without sympathy.  It's a genuine desire to make sure the kids of the district are healthy.

We just don't know how to talk about weight in this society.  We don't know what to do with it. We don't know how to handle it.  We want to judge people who are over weight, we want to judge ourselves when we are over weight.

It's a complex, multifaceted issue that can't be solved quickly. Especially if you want to solve it with preserving the self-esteem of some of these guys.

In the mean time....health promotion for ALL students is something we can shoot for.

Did I speak up?

no --

because who is going to listen to the fat chick about anything to do with obesity prevention and health promotion.

okay, self-pay it is

Jason changed jobs and we got new insurance.  I was hoping there was a chance that this policy would have bariatric coverage so I called today to see.

nope

You know what else we don't get, orthodontics.

I just wrote a nifty big check to basically have my son tortured for the next two years

but that's not the point of this story -- I'm just whining about the lack of insurance for pretty teeth and a smaller butt.

Seriously, obesity is a serious money drain for insurance companies...it would be cheaper for them to cover the surgery.  There's not a lot of foresight into that decision.

I so need to rule the world.

Self-pay it is. In one way that's good, I might have had to do the whole wait six months, now I can go ahead and get it done in the beginning of June like I originally planned (glass half full).

At least the orthodontist has a payment plan, wish that was the case for this surgery.

First Support Group

Happy Valentine's Day
I've been so freakin' busy that it seemed more stressful to get out tonight with my husband then it would be relaxing to spend an evening with him.  The kids have plans this Saturday, so I just said to him, "I love you, I know you love me, can we just express that love on Saturday instead of Tuesday?"

He was good with that...

He did mention that he saw on television that having sex twice a week lowers a man's chance of having a heart attack. He assured me he was imparting this information because I'm interested in all things health and in no way was it for him.  He's generous that way.

No mention of what it does for a woman's heart though.

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Went to my first VSG support group last night.  It was really interesting. I really liked the facilitator, she's one of the dietitians that contract with the surgeon I've chosen. There were people there from 15 months out (my friend) and others who are waiting for the surgery.  No one said anything that freaked me out or scared me or even surprised me.  The group of people were really nice.

Then had to go home and finish a paper...I'm pretty sure I'm not going to get full points on it, but it got turned in...I'm going to be happy with that!