What is my style?

The last time I was thin it was the early '90's. I can't even remember what the style was.  I'm pretty sure it's not a style I'd like to go back to because I vaguely remember knee socks with wool shorts and cable knit sweaters.  My wedding (in 1992) had a lot of pink and green (salmon and kelly green to be exact) -- not sure that combo really needs a comeback, except in a little girl's room (would so have loved to have had a little girl nursery, instead two boys, sigh).

I don't know how many of you out there are on Pinterest I know for sure that Drazil and Sheniqua is not (click on her name for a very funny blog post).  One of the things I find myself 'pinning' a lot are clothes.  I've never considered myself a fashionista.  I've stayed a bit away from that as a silent and silly rebellion against my mother -- background here, on my wedding day she told me how happy she was.  I replied with, "yes, Jason is such a wonderful man" and she said - and.I.kid.you.not - "no, it's because you're wearing make up".  How can you NOT want to rebel?  I don't wear make up, as a matter of fact we go out so rarely that when I do need to wear some I have to buy all new stuff.

But being on Pinterest and pinning some really cute outfits has made me realize that I do care a bit.  It's hard being the weight I am now for a various amount of reasons.  one is no cute clothes.  If you can find cute clothes they really don't look right, because frankly, my body doesn't look right.  And what is it with designers thinking that if you are overweight your arms must have also gotten much longer.  I'm not a freakin' orangutan -- just fat.  So normally I buy t-shirts, long sleeve shirts and a lot of kakis.  But when I lose this weight....I think I might have some fun.....

Here's a smattering of what I've been pinning lately (well in the fashion department at least).  I'm kind of excited about the whole clothes thing.

Everyone needs a little black dress.  

Love the comfy looking jeans, the loose peasant blouse.  As a matter of fact, my closet will be full of artsy peasant blouses.  Jeans...can't wait, the last time I wore jeans the waist was above the naval.  

My wardrobe, like my house, will be super eclectic.  How fun would it be to go to a business party in something like this?

Toile bathing suit...need I say more?

As a child of the 80's (when the Preppy Handbook first came out) it would be de rigueur to have this outfit.

Girl Scouts are Evil Geniuses

 (picture found on Blue Cricket Design)

Seriously, coming door to door with lots of choices of cookies -- cookies that will tempt all types of tastes -  lemon, mint, peanut butter, coconut, at the end of January when people have been starving themselves for a little over three weeks....evil-marketing-geniuses!

And as a school nurse I'm bombarded, they cart their little sheets into the clinic, with their cute little smiles and pig tails and sweet little voices and comments like, "my mom has them in her car right outside".

Oh, so now I don't even have to wait? Instant girl scout cookies?

I think we have a gazillion 'cookie-moms' at our school too. Which means a gazillion mini-vans filled with a gazillion cookies right outside the school in the parking lot.

Evil.

And then I have to support all of my friends who have daughters who are girl scouts.

Yes, they freeze, so theoretically I can buy in bulk.

But then again, thin mints actually taste better frozen.

(picture found on google images)

I'm in trouble!

Made my psych eval appointment

So I just sucked it up and made my psych eval appointment.  Get this --  it's the same day as my girl-physical.  I'm making all my appointments over spring break since I have the time off and the only day she could do it was the afternoon of the day of my PAP.

All sorts of parts are going to be probed that day.

ugh

At least I'll get it out of the way.

I'm not sure why I'm freaked out abut the whole psych thing.  I think I'm afraid of failing it and then not being able to get to have the surgery.  I have a great support system in my husband and my choice friends.  Over the years I've done a lot of work emotionally but I have a painful past (as do a lot of us) that makes me wonder if I'm not an ideal candidate for surgery.  Of course, not thinking I'm an ideal candidate is really a part of my problem.  I spent a few years (age 12-20) with Bulimia.  It helped me cope with a lot of what I was dealing with.  In retrospect it wasn't a horrible life,  I know my parents loved me in their own ways, but it also wasn't the easiest life either. I was kind of the adult in the family and I learned how to take care of everyone else and did not take care of myself, even at that age.  

Anyone surprised I'm a nurse?

Anyhow, although I think I've come to terms with my past and have done a lot of forgiving, I wonder if I'll say something that'll trigger a fear in the therapist's head that I may not be a good candidate? Or worse yet something that will suggest to her I need lots and lots of more therapy (I've had a ton already, including a 6 week stint in an eating disorder unit at the hospital).

Then again, I have come along way.  I was talking to my mom and I was talking about some future career goals.  She then said, "Well Tracey you've done everything else you've set out to do, I'm sure this will happen too" I'm just going to take it as a compliment, although there was a tone.  I have a reputation in my family for being stubborn, and if you knew my family you'd understand that that can be a good thing.  It is true, I didn't graduate high school but I got my GED, went to college, then married a wonderful man who is very successful and had two great smart children. These are all things that I wanted, I wanted a normal life.  We moved to the suburbs the kids have gone to the same school rather then 6 elementary schools. I decided to go back to nursing school so that when I went back to work I'd have a great job that would pay well and give back to the community.  I scored an awesome job right out of school (acute dialysis nurse -- rarely do new grads get jobs like that) I then got on with the school system so that I could have a nicely balanced life between career and children.  So yes, I've gotten what I've wanted, but I also worked really hard to get it.  But it really is a pretty freakin' ideal life....except my weight.  Where as my mom (who doesn't know about the surgery, nor reads this blog) says she's proud, I still feel I am a disappointment because I'm not the make-up wearing pretty thin girl.  Knowing this still makes me feel like a bit of a failure.

I'm getting my master's right now.  I have a 3.8 GPA and I waffle between -- I suck because it should be a 4.0 and, if I have a 3.8 it must be a ridiculously easy program.  Which means I can't win, I'll never feel smart enough.  And even if I were ever smart enough, my mother still wouldn't be 100% happy with me because I am not super pretty or thin.

And frankly, no matter how much I've forgiven my mom, how much she says she's sorry (which was really only once and I think she may have been under the influence) or how much she says she's proud of the way I've turned out (although wouldn't it be nice if I wore some lipstick) I can't believe it because  if I were really worthy, smart or pretty she would not have voluntarily given up custody and given me and my sister to my father when I was nine.  And now that I have kids and know you would have to rip them out of my dying arms before I gave them up, I really feel that there must have been something wrong with me.

It is this that makes me worry I won't pass my psych eval...not because she might think I have to work these things out (and I have...mostly) but because she too might find that thing that is so wrong with me that my own mother didn't want to raise me.

PAP smears, so much funner then that!

Lists are a b!t*h

I had so many goals and aspirations this month, this month that's almost over.  I've only exercised a handful of times, I haven't really adjusted my eating on a consistent basis (3pm is a bitch for me -- anyone else have that issue, what do you do about it?). I haven't made my psych eval appointment yet (hmmm, anyone willing to analyze that one?).  I made my physical appointment -- one where she insisted it was time for my Pap (ugh), how I made that one before a psych eval, I don't know; I guess I'm willing for some areas to be probed over others.

I haven't even gotten started on my thesis/project.

I have read a lot of blogs though.

Not just weight loss blogs, but decorating and crafty mommy blogs too.
Like I need to find more stuff to put on my list.

So what am I gonna do about it?

I was thinking about crawling into bed and finally finishing "Girl with a Dragon Tattoo" that I downloaded on to my Nook at the beginning of January.

That might be counter-productive.

It sounds nice though doesn't it?

So today:

Finish one section of my project
clean out fridge 
organize pantry
plan menu
grocery shop
make dinner
exercise at least 10 minutes
update blog
laundry
walk dog
play with kids
organize linen closet
put away clean clothes

or pick some and call it a successful day.

Does anyone else make crazy lists that they have no hope in accomplishing?
Maybe I should add this to my list:

stop making lists!

One thing I have accomplished so far is I've gone a whole week with just one cup of coffee a day.
I'm bolding that, because really that's freakin' amazing for me!
I'm staring at my empty cup right now with longing.
But it's really my only accomplishment so I'm holding myself to it.
I'm not going to cross it off my accomplishment list until it's been a month though.

My friend/mentor suggested I back off the weight loss goal for a bit because I have so much on my plate.  Trying to lose weight is a good idea because I have so much time before my surgery.  On the other hand it's a lot of work with so much else on my plate.  Ugh...am I making excuses for myself?  I think what I'll do is just concentrate on getting used to exercising regularly, make sure I eat more fruits and veggies, drink lots of water and revisit concentrating on weight loss sometime in March.

The good news is I'm not doubling up on any more classes, so it's just one class at a time for the next three classes until I'm done (May can't get here soon enough!).

Okay...I have a plan.
Rest of January and February, just exercise and eat more fruits and veggies. Get through school. Make it to a support group meeting.

Like how I didn't put that in a list format?

Life isn't fair, carry on

This past weekend was intense! I had four papers due, I'm thinking that last weekend I wrote about 5,000 words total.

I was tired come Tuesday (last paper due Monday night).  Part of the problem is that one of the assignments was a group assignment.  I'm a bit of a control freak so I usually sign up for the team lead, if someone else signs up before me, I kind of push...gently assert myself in the role.  My goal is to graduate with a high GPA and I don't really want my group assignments to get in the way of that.  Especially because I've noticed a lot of people have the 'let's just get through this' mentality.  Which is fine, just not my goal.  However, as the group leader, when someone doesn't do their part....guess who gets to do it.  In both my classes, someone flaked.  So I was doing my individual papers, my portion of the group papers, editing and putting together the group papers AND writing someone else's part of the group papers.  While I was complaining,  discussing this with anyone who would listen my friends I was asked why I didn't just let it go.  Well that's the thing about group projects, if you let it go, then the whole grade tanks.  Teachers don't care that people didn't get it together to do their share, the point is as a group can you get the work done and finish the assignment.

Because that's how it is in real life.

So what if not everyone did their part, if the job isn't done then you lose, so sometimes you can't worry about how fair life is, you gotta put your big girl panties on and carry on (then cry to your friends over a nice glass of wine, or cup of coffee later).

On Tuesday, I met with my boss for my preliminary evaluation.  It was more of a how I was going to be evaluated.  I'm in a special circumstance because I don't run my own clinic, I follow one kid around.  So we discussed how this will be evaluated.  She's an amazing woman and is also my mentor for my master's project.  Her goal is to get health promotion programs into the schools and is excited about my project.  She's steered me towards some great nursing theorists and articles that'll help me with my project/thesis and sort of got me back on track.  Because I have not started on the project.  Well I've started on the reading but can't seem to focus on the project itself.  It's been hard with work, with classes, with life.  Because of this, I called my advisor and built in some time between all of my next classes and I will work on my project during those off weeks.  It means I've postponed my graduation into May...but it also means I'll have time to focus on this project and enjoy the ride a bit more.

This comes a little bit too from a conversation I had with a friend.  We went out to dinner after a nurse's meeting and I was telling her about some ideas I had after I was done with my master's.  She looked at me, her head slightly askew, her expression "WTF Tracey" and calmly said, "Tracey, you can relax a little.  You'll have just accomplished a lot, you'll be learning how to deal with a new body after your surgery, you'll be in your own clinic learning that aspect of school nursing, maybe take a little bit of time before adding anything else to your plate."

I love friends who help you with 'aha' moments.

So, I'm building in time to work on a worthwhile project, I'll still accomplish my goals, but taking the time to enjoy the ride a bit more.

It's one of the reasons I'm waiting until June to do the surgery.  It seems like I make quick decisions and just jump in.  Surgery is my last ditch effort in becoming the physical person that matches my mental person.  But I do need to enjoy the ride of that transformation and be an active participant which won't happen if I load my life with projects.  This transformation process is really going to involve more then the physical weight loss, it's going to involve learning to live with that, enjoy that and learning to be with me sans a million things on my list.  I've stopped thinking it's not fair I am the way I am, it is was it is, we all have our challenges.

Life isn't fair, but the point is what you learn from the challenges and how you deal with the challenges.  Not everyone gets the blue ribbon at the end of the race, but everyone can enjoy the after race festivities if they choose.

BYOC

BYOC brought to blogland by It's just me Drazil and Sheniqua. I love stuff like this.  Probably because I'm a little insane (in a good way).

Yup, Bring Your Own Crazy  is 5 little questions you can answer in your own blog to give your blogging brain a break and to get to know each other better.  (My blogging brain needs a break, my regular brain needs a break too!)

Copy, paste and enjoy!

Drazil and Sheniqua (who are the same person) decided on a holiday/new year themed BYOC today (fun)!

1. How do you feel about NY resolutions? Do you make them? Do you forget about them quickly? Do they help you?

Even when I say I'm not going to make them, I secretly make them.  Then I don't do them, because I hate being told what to do....yes, I know it's me telling me what to do, but apparently even though my thoughts and ideas are fabulous and everyone should listen to me, I can't even listen to myself.  (This is the crazy of bring your own crazy -- right?)
2. Did you put up a Christmas tree? How many? Is it still up?

Three....One red and gold live tree in the living room.  This is the tree we go into the forest up in the mountains and cut down every year.  We tromp through a bunch of trees looking for the right size and shape (although, once we get them home they always look Charlie Brownish).  We listen to the kids whine. We haul the tree down the mountain on the highway hoping that this isn't the year it falls off the car and takes out a family in the car behind us with their own tree, or that the car in front of us doesn't lose their tree and take us out.  And we say to ourselves...we are good parents giving our kids such wonderful memories -- of us yelling at them to be quiet and enjoy the day because when we were kids, Jason didn't even get a tree and I had to split my Christmases between two parents!  


The other one is my husband's Star Trek tree and that's in our bedroom.  Yes, I married a geek....he's truly wonderful and as a prize for being wonderful he gets to buy Star Trek ornaments and have his own tree.  Because....Star Trek ornaments do not say Christmas to me so should not be in the main part of the house....Some of them even 'talk' It's creepy when the tree lights go on and the little Borg ornament says, "we are Borg, you will be assimilated" or something like that.  


The third is a family tree with all the fun ornaments collected and made through the years, that's in the family room.


They're all still up (except the live one...but the ornaments from that one are on the couch and none of the furniture is put back into place) 
Whatever, I'm getting my master's life is hell right now.
3. How many total Christmases did you choose to have to attend outside of your home?

Two company ones, I had two parties, one ornament exchange party and Christmas Eve and then we do Christmas morning at my sister-in-laws....she lives down the block so we wear our pj's then Christmas day is  my favorite...we do nothing, Jason and I play scrabble all day (okay, maybe I'm a geek too)  and the kids play with their new toys.
4. What are you most looking forward to this year?

Summer! This is my first year as a school nurse...I'll have it off, AND I'll be done with my master's! I can't freakin' wait! Last year I was on-call all summer, 21 hour work days, beeper PTSD, didn't know if I was coming or going....I love, LOVE school nursing. 


I also plan on getting my VSG surgery this summer.  Excited, yet apprehensive.
We're also planning on going to Italy some time this year!
5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blogland this week.

I've been concentrating more on weight loss blogs this week then my normal mommy/crafty blogs that I usually read.  I've also posted a lot on this blog and have sadly neglected my own mommy/crafty blog.  Whatever.  A lot of my posting and reading is because I'm procrastinating school work.  Work hasn't been great this week.  Can't really get much into work stuff on blogland...let's just say -- I'm bummed that snow is only in the forecast for this weekend and not during the week next week....could really use a snow day.



Okay, that was fun! And apparently aptly named.

seriously?

I was reading candyland to bandland's blog about the new obesity intervention public service ads that are running in Georgia.  As we all know the South has one of the bigger problems with obesity then in other areas of the country and I have to say that I understand the intent was well-meaning.  But if they seriously think the same type of campaign they do for not trying Meth is going to work for obesity then the creators of this campaign have no idea how obesity effects those who are obese.

It's not like you can say, don't try food because once you try it you're hooked and your life will be all about stealing money to buy that pizza you're craving.  At first it's whining to mom you want the sugary cereal while walking down the cereal aisle and next it's stealing jewelry to get enough cash to score skittles in an alley from a dealer.

Here's one of the supporters/creators who talks about the research about being effective, what she's not saying is the research is most likely market research determining if people thought the ad campaign was effective in creating a dialogue about obesity, not if it's effective in the solving the problem of childhood obesity. For that you need evidence based research -- this is the problem when you try to move this out of the health arena and into the marketing arena -- this can not be solved by focus groups.



Okay, maybe they're not as scary as those don't try meth commercials (and have you seen those, they freak the he.ll out of my kids YAY). Yes, I do think that parents should get their heads out of the sand about it.  But what research (and not market research but evidence-based research) shows is that health care providers, especially pediatricians are loathe to bring the subject up.  Where is the ad campaign for them?

My kids' pediatrician? oh my gosh he's on board! My oldest is 95th in height and 70th in weight, he's quick, good in sports eats anything and is skinny and enjoys being active (I think he may have been switched at birth) my younger one didn't get so lucky, he's 97th in height and 105% in weight, which puts him at a too high BMI, even with that massive height.  He's really built big, the kid has muscular thighs and shoulders that would have made the shoulder pads Linda Evans wore  in Dynasty look discrete. But he also has a 'bowl full of jelly'.  The pediatrician said he didn't want to do a weight loss plan for him, he just wants him to grow into his weight.  He does snack too much, he does like junk food too much.  He does Karate, but we've upped the ante and he has to spend some time on the elliptical if he wants to play video games and now only one snack after school instead of grazing.  I tell him it's about health, not about weight.  I tell the older one too.  No sugar treats or soda during the week either, weekends in moderation.

I'm trying.

Even if I hear grumblings that I may be abusive when I tell them they have to eat all their vegetables and their reward is just a hug and not chocolate.

I don't want my kids to struggle like I have.

Okay, back to the actual issue....(if you've been reading my blog you know I digress, I also take liberties with grammar...whatever, oh look I digressed again --- so seriously, NOW back to topic)

Kids are in school more of their life then out of school, where is the funding to have health and nutrition classes? Why is physical education one of the items to be cut out of programs?  Why is recess only ten minutes long?  And have you seen the crap that's served in school lunches.  A sugary fruit cup is NOT a fruit choice no matter how you cut it.  This is particularly important because obesity tends to run higher in low income areas and those kids are getting free and reduced lunches, so if we want to help our children, how about lobbying for healthier school lunches, longer recess and PE every day.

Okay, so I feel a bit passionately about this, it's what I'm doing my Master's project in.  That project I should be working on instead of doing this blog....so  let's just call this research (wink wink).  In an article I'm reading "Fighting an Epidemic: The role of Schools in Reducing Childhood Obesity" by Sara Pyle, et al says "Interventions targeting obesity in the schools should be designed to promote healthy weight rather than focus on losing weight or obtaining a specific weight" in fact focusing on weight reduction may cause other problems, such as growth decline or feelings of failure and exacerbate other issues such as depression or impaired self esteem.

So yes, let's get educated on obesity and obesity in children. We can do something about it, but let's go about it in an emotionally and physically healthy way.

Stepping off soap box now.

There's a reason I hide behind my children

I had hubby take some 'before' pictures of me.  I chose khaki pants and a navy shirt because those are items I can replace during my downward journey and I like the consistency of the same types of clothing in different periods of my weight loss journey.  Yeah, I'm a freak like that.  I even did a side shot.  Brave? Crazy? I looked at hubby's face after he snapped them and I asked, "I'm not going to like this am I?"

"nope," was his reply.

I think he was afraid to hand me the camera.  It's an expensive camera that he gave me a couple years ago for my birthday.  I imagine he envisioned it being hurled across the room.

The thought did cross my mind.

But it's not the camera's fault.

Most pictures of me are from the chest up and my children in front of me, or my friends in front of me and my head peering between their heads and above their shoulders -- I'm glad to be one of the taller friends because I get to be in the back.

I'm pretty sure we've all been there.

The thing is, when I saw those pictures they did not feel like they were me.  I met with my NP last week to discuss having weight loss surgery.  I kind of did it backwards because I met with the surgeon in November.  I haven't wanted to go see my PCP because I gained back a bunch of weight that I lost this time last year and didn't want to hear about it.  But, I needed to tell her about this and get a refill on my high blood pressure meds.  She was very supportive.  I was expecting the eat less and exercise more thing but she instead talked about the success of this surgery and her respect for the surgeon I picked. Side note here, her only negative comment was that some of her patients complained they didn't get to see him as much after the surgery.  My response was, "who wants to see the surgeon, I'd rather see a nurse any time" she high-fived me.  Love seeing nurse practitioners -- I may be biased though.

(and for those of you who have that complaint -- you can always ask to see the surgeon rather then the nurse, you might have to wait a bit for an appointment but you have the right to advocate for yourself!)

Anyhoo -- she cautioned me that once I start losing the weight, I may question myself because who I see in the mirror will change.  Because I've been obese most of my adult life I may have a bit of an identity crisis.  The thing is, I'm having that now, because who I see in the mirror and in pictures of myself is not who I am (in my mind's picture of myself).  I'm shocked that it's me in the mirror.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.....

I do think that people's reaction to my losing weight will be more of a problem for me.
I don't like that kind of attention.
But I'll save that for another post.

After Jason took the pictures, he asked, "so, are we going to do this every day?"

picture me rolling my eyes and then saying, "dork".

Then he made some off-color comments about other 'types' of pictures we should really be taking (I don't really need to spell it out for you do I?) -- I love that man, no matter what I look like or how big I've gotten, he still loves me and he just wants me to be happy with where I am.

One of my goals in the coming years, not sure if it'll be 2012 or 2013, but to take one of those photos to canvas  pictures of our family all wearing coordinating outfits, like crisp white shirts and jeans (not blue and khaki) with some fall foliage in the background.  Maybe even having that shirt tucked in -- and me NOT hiding behind anybody.

the lingo

I've been reading a lot of blogs out there about weight loss.  It's my new obsession now that I've decided to do this thing (VSG) next summer.  I love reading about people's victories, how people are regaining their lives, how people are getting to wear BOOTS (priorities!).  I don't so much enjoy reading about the struggles but I'm so glad that people are putting that out there.  I feel for them, I understand them, I'm scared but frankly more prepared that I too will be challenged in the same way. I am happy that people tell the truth about their gains and losses and how they feel.

I think I'm also reading a lot of those blogs to procrastinate working on my master's.  Can I just say, I can't WAIT to be done with school!

I have come across some things I don't understand though.  You all have your own lingo out there and I'm such a new member to the 'club' I have no clue what you all are saying at some points.

I've never been that good at acronyms.  When I was in school to be a paralegal (100 moons ago) before my nursing gig (yeah,  I get bored easily and move on to other various careers - kinda ADD) I remember learning about SOL's (statute of limitations) in my mind I kept saying 'shit out of luck' -- come to think about it if you miss the SOL you really are SOL -- anyhow

Thank goodness I have a friend who is a veteran.  She's taken me under her wing.  And even better, the surgeon I'm going to is starting a mentor program and we're going to try and see if she can be mine (yay). So I emailed her a WTF email and she gave me some definitions to the 'lingo' that's out there.

I figured WLS out myself (weight loss surgery)
VSG (vertical sleeve gastrectomy) knew that one because it's all over the paperwork the MD gave me (that's a lot of paperwork)

what I didn't know:
NSV = non scale victory
onerlander = when you've been in the 200lbs range and you make it below the 200 mark (whoo hoo, onderland is the wonderland)
twoterville = getting into the 200's from the 300's.  I'm hoping it doesn't mean an increased about of gas because my house full of boys already is a 'toot-er-ville'.

I need a crash course in weight loss lingo -- if you have any others I need to know, please comment so I can get up to speed.

On a side note and all about me...Got some lab work back and my thyroid is totally off and my B12 and D levels are out of range on the low side.  No wonder I'm so freakin' tired all the time. Thankfully supplements are buy one get one free at Safeway.

I'm back at work today after two weeks off.  I find myself wondering, why couldn't that foot of snow that dropped at the beginning of vacation, upsetting my Christmas shopping plans, fall this week to give us a couple extra days?  Snow days should never be wasted on already off days...sheesh, who do I need to talk to?

New Year's Revulsions

My nine year old told me he had a "New Year's Revulsion"  I corrected him, but then thought, "hmm, he's on to something".

I make them every year, even when I claim I don't.

And pretty much fail them.

Which is weird because I'm not really a failing kinda gal (well except for my weight).

This year, my resolutions/revulsions are going to be things I can do.

here they are:

Finish my Master's of Science in Nursing (I'm almost there!)
Write down what I eat
Exercise 3 times a week
Get WLS (this summer)
Spend time with the family (more so after #1 is done)

All attainable.  Nothing too out of reach.  No, losing 5 lbs a week, only eating meat, exercising 7 days a week for 1 hour, no I will be the best mom ever, no best wife ever, no unrealistic out of character detailed goals that I am sure to fail.

2012 is about success.

My nine year old's one resolution -- Not get coal in his stocking.

He's a smart kid -- keepin' it simple.

Happy 2012 everyone!