Life isn't fair, carry on

This past weekend was intense! I had four papers due, I'm thinking that last weekend I wrote about 5,000 words total.

I was tired come Tuesday (last paper due Monday night).  Part of the problem is that one of the assignments was a group assignment.  I'm a bit of a control freak so I usually sign up for the team lead, if someone else signs up before me, I kind of push...gently assert myself in the role.  My goal is to graduate with a high GPA and I don't really want my group assignments to get in the way of that.  Especially because I've noticed a lot of people have the 'let's just get through this' mentality.  Which is fine, just not my goal.  However, as the group leader, when someone doesn't do their part....guess who gets to do it.  In both my classes, someone flaked.  So I was doing my individual papers, my portion of the group papers, editing and putting together the group papers AND writing someone else's part of the group papers.  While I was complaining,  discussing this with anyone who would listen my friends I was asked why I didn't just let it go.  Well that's the thing about group projects, if you let it go, then the whole grade tanks.  Teachers don't care that people didn't get it together to do their share, the point is as a group can you get the work done and finish the assignment.

Because that's how it is in real life.

So what if not everyone did their part, if the job isn't done then you lose, so sometimes you can't worry about how fair life is, you gotta put your big girl panties on and carry on (then cry to your friends over a nice glass of wine, or cup of coffee later).

On Tuesday, I met with my boss for my preliminary evaluation.  It was more of a how I was going to be evaluated.  I'm in a special circumstance because I don't run my own clinic, I follow one kid around.  So we discussed how this will be evaluated.  She's an amazing woman and is also my mentor for my master's project.  Her goal is to get health promotion programs into the schools and is excited about my project.  She's steered me towards some great nursing theorists and articles that'll help me with my project/thesis and sort of got me back on track.  Because I have not started on the project.  Well I've started on the reading but can't seem to focus on the project itself.  It's been hard with work, with classes, with life.  Because of this, I called my advisor and built in some time between all of my next classes and I will work on my project during those off weeks.  It means I've postponed my graduation into May...but it also means I'll have time to focus on this project and enjoy the ride a bit more.

This comes a little bit too from a conversation I had with a friend.  We went out to dinner after a nurse's meeting and I was telling her about some ideas I had after I was done with my master's.  She looked at me, her head slightly askew, her expression "WTF Tracey" and calmly said, "Tracey, you can relax a little.  You'll have just accomplished a lot, you'll be learning how to deal with a new body after your surgery, you'll be in your own clinic learning that aspect of school nursing, maybe take a little bit of time before adding anything else to your plate."

I love friends who help you with 'aha' moments.

So, I'm building in time to work on a worthwhile project, I'll still accomplish my goals, but taking the time to enjoy the ride a bit more.

It's one of the reasons I'm waiting until June to do the surgery.  It seems like I make quick decisions and just jump in.  Surgery is my last ditch effort in becoming the physical person that matches my mental person.  But I do need to enjoy the ride of that transformation and be an active participant which won't happen if I load my life with projects.  This transformation process is really going to involve more then the physical weight loss, it's going to involve learning to live with that, enjoy that and learning to be with me sans a million things on my list.  I've stopped thinking it's not fair I am the way I am, it is was it is, we all have our challenges.

Life isn't fair, but the point is what you learn from the challenges and how you deal with the challenges.  Not everyone gets the blue ribbon at the end of the race, but everyone can enjoy the after race festivities if they choose.