Monday, January 23, 2012

Made my psych eval appointment

So I just sucked it up and made my psych eval appointment.  Get this --  it's the same day as my girl-physical.  I'm making all my appointments over spring break since I have the time off and the only day she could do it was the afternoon of the day of my PAP.

All sorts of parts are going to be probed that day.


At least I'll get it out of the way.

I'm not sure why I'm freaked out abut the whole psych thing.  I think I'm afraid of failing it and then not being able to get to have the surgery.  I have a great support system in my husband and my choice friends.  Over the years I've done a lot of work emotionally but I have a painful past (as do a lot of us) that makes me wonder if I'm not an ideal candidate for surgery.  Of course, not thinking I'm an ideal candidate is really a part of my problem.  I spent a few years (age 12-20) with Bulimia.  It helped me cope with a lot of what I was dealing with.  In retrospect it wasn't a horrible life,  I know my parents loved me in their own ways, but it also wasn't the easiest life either. I was kind of the adult in the family and I learned how to take care of everyone else and did not take care of myself, even at that age.  

Anyone surprised I'm a nurse?

Anyhow, although I think I've come to terms with my past and have done a lot of forgiving, I wonder if I'll say something that'll trigger a fear in the therapist's head that I may not be a good candidate? Or worse yet something that will suggest to her I need lots and lots of more therapy (I've had a ton already, including a 6 week stint in an eating disorder unit at the hospital).

Then again, I have come along way.  I was talking to my mom and I was talking about some future career goals.  She then said, "Well Tracey you've done everything else you've set out to do, I'm sure this will happen too" I'm just going to take it as a compliment, although there was a tone.  I have a reputation in my family for being stubborn, and if you knew my family you'd understand that that can be a good thing.  It is true, I didn't graduate high school but I got my GED, went to college, then married a wonderful man who is very successful and had two great smart children. These are all things that I wanted, I wanted a normal life.  We moved to the suburbs the kids have gone to the same school rather then 6 elementary schools. I decided to go back to nursing school so that when I went back to work I'd have a great job that would pay well and give back to the community.  I scored an awesome job right out of school (acute dialysis nurse -- rarely do new grads get jobs like that) I then got on with the school system so that I could have a nicely balanced life between career and children.  So yes, I've gotten what I've wanted, but I also worked really hard to get it.  But it really is a pretty freakin' ideal life....except my weight.  Where as my mom (who doesn't know about the surgery, nor reads this blog) says she's proud, I still feel I am a disappointment because I'm not the make-up wearing pretty thin girl.  Knowing this still makes me feel like a bit of a failure.

I'm getting my master's right now.  I have a 3.8 GPA and I waffle between -- I suck because it should be a 4.0 and, if I have a 3.8 it must be a ridiculously easy program.  Which means I can't win, I'll never feel smart enough.  And even if I were ever smart enough, my mother still wouldn't be 100% happy with me because I am not super pretty or thin.

And frankly, no matter how much I've forgiven my mom, how much she says she's sorry (which was really only once and I think she may have been under the influence) or how much she says she's proud of the way I've turned out (although wouldn't it be nice if I wore some lipstick) I can't believe it because  if I were really worthy, smart or pretty she would not have voluntarily given up custody and given me and my sister to my father when I was nine.  And now that I have kids and know you would have to rip them out of my dying arms before I gave them up, I really feel that there must have been something wrong with me.

It is this that makes me worry I won't pass my psych eval...not because she might think I have to work these things out (and I have...mostly) but because she too might find that thing that is so wrong with me that my own mother didn't want to raise me.

PAP smears, so much funner then that!


  1. you should continue to talk to someone about this...its not you....Now that you are a mom you say how you could not imagine giving up your kids, you have to realize there is nothing they can do that would make you give them up. So this in turn should make you think that something was wrong with your mom at that time that she was so easily able to let you guys go. I just started following you and I am catching up on your posts. I feel a lot of the same things you do. I have a successful marriage, career and family yet I am fat and unhappy with myself. I really need to learn to love myself and my body and that is going to take some work. I think that even when I lose a significant amount of won't be enough.

  2. that's a really good point, I've always thought about it from not giving up my kids, not that it wouldn't have been me that caused my mom to give us up. Thanks